A Texan Comes To Visit

[GlytchMeister]

How the hell did you find out about Jeff?

[Just Old Al]

AN: Our man Sarge is responsible for the discussion of dialects in this - I could never have managed it. Also, Glytch was kind enough to lend me his trolls and Dr. North - thanks!

Chapter 9 – Hands On The Table

Immediately, Al was on his knees with the tea towel that had been on the tray and the tray itself, picking up the remains of the glass and crockery, and sopping up the remains of the coffee and the very good brandy.

Al thought as he cleaned, Awful waste, but it proved my theory. Now, hopefully he's taken this time to recover and we can REALLY talk.

After he finished cleaning and set the tray aside Al rose, picked up his cup and glass, and after adding condiments to the coffee and another ounce to the snifter set them in front of the shaken man at the desk. Picking the snifter back up, he held it in front of a visibly-pale Briggs.

"Drink up, mate, you look like you can use it."

Like a man in a trance, Briggs took the snifter, sipped at the contents, then threw it to the back of his throat with an audible sigh of relief. He then held the glass out to Al, who refilled it and handed it back. Taking another sip, Briggs sat, his colour slowly returning.

“So, how long have you known about the paranormal?”

The old truculence began to return, manifesting in sullenness. “Don’t know a damn thing – and not gonna admit it ta yew even if ah did.”

“Briggs, the time for games – if ever there was one – is past. It’s time to talk – and talk frankly.

First off, that delightful young woman you had dinner with last night is a dryad – a tree spirit. Her ‘sisters’ are half-elves. My dear wife is a centaur – she does human quite well, and spends most of her time that way since we married.”

“And whut are yew – some kinda werewolf ‘r sumthin worse?” The look in Briggs’ eyes was despair – he’d failed at his task, or it appeared to him that he had.

“Briggs, werewolves are wonderful folk. The construction engineer who did the rebuild of the tower at Old Alexander is a werewolf, and he and his team did a stellar job. Believe it or not meduck, I am just a nice mortal human just like yourself – all depending on how you feel about Englishmen, of course. There are a lot of stories to be told here, but not this minute.

Now, tell. I’ve shown you mine, you show me yours. Time to come clean – and the first thing I want to hear from you is ‘whut’s got y’all spooked.’“ The last words were delivered in a broad parody of Briggs’ accent, and delivered pointedly.

As an answer, Briggs took another draw at his brandy, then set it on the desk. Picking up his cup and saucer, he settled back in his chair and sipped again, obviously playing for time while he marshaled his thoughts. Setting the cup down again, he began to speak.

“’Bout fifteen years ago, Stratton Drilling got a call fer drillin’ services down in Central America. Not a big deal, we do deep-hole drilling everywhere, though most’a our work’s here in the States.

Ah led the team – this was jest odd enough that ah wanted ta keep an eye on it. We got down there’n started workin’, and kep’ havin’ issues. Machinery damaged, tools and parts gone missin’ – some of ‘em weighin’ tons, mind you - and slowdowns.

Found out we were the third comp’ny in on the job – the other two had packed it in and left.

One day, a guy in a black suit shows up. Ah figured him ta be a member of the government down there, but ah found out later he was MIB.

Ta make a long story short, he wanted us ta pack up and move about three miles away – no reason, just do it. Checked with the contract owner ‘n he was more’n fine with it.

So, we did. Equipment worked, nothin’ disappeared and we got back ta work.

However, I’m a curious cuss, and went back to the old site’n started pokin’ around. Area was littered with caves, an’ I was in and out’a most of ‘em.

One day I’m pokin’ round in a deep one, and a light come up on me – and Lordy whut was behind it. Big grey bastard, must’a been eight feet tall. Face like a boar – tusks and teeth. Three fingered hands.

I lit out of there like the fires of hell were behind me, and next day, the guy in the black suit come visitin’ again.

Ah said nothin’ to my crew – didn’t know whut to make of it mahself. He an’ ah sit down, and he asked me flat out whut ah was doin’ in that damn cave and whut ah saw.

Ah told ‘im, no panic and no shoutin’. Ah was over the shakes by then, and had a powerful urge to find out whut was goin’ on.

He told me after that was why we had ta move. Turned out these fellers – trolls, he called ‘em – had a city right there where we were drillin’. They’d chased off the two earlier teams, and found out a bunch o’Texans were harder to scare off – and called him in.

After that, he tells me we were ‘bout to poke a hole in their ceilin’. Damn rude of us, ah say, and the guy smiled.

He made me an offer – and that’s when ah found out he was MIB.”

After hearing this, Al thanked his gods he’d played by his instincts. Neuralizing him or working on him to remove knowledge of the paranormal would have been damaging – and had an effect far past the present time.

“Ever since, Stratton Drilling has a ‘special’ team – they do things that get paid fer by MIB, usually.

Turns out the subterranean paranormals have need of a bunch’a good drillers as well – ‘specially ones that don’t stick out like a nun in a whorehouse. When there’s a need, the paras contact MIB, who contact Stratton, and we go to work. No contact between us and the customers, though got to meet with trolls once or twice – they’re real nice folk if ya kin handle the tusks. Ah got ta like ‘em a bunch.”

Al laughed. “So, you know of the paranormal, but don’t have much actual contact with it. That explains the panic and why you were trying to get away as you did. I assure you, Briggs, you are perfectly free to go unmolested after this – you’ve proven you can keep a secret.”

Briggs leaned forward. “No, that don’t explain it, Mister Richer. There’s nothing in the world – or under it – that scares me, but ah needed to get mah brother’s boy outa here before he got sucked in. He’s a good man, and ah didn’t want MIB in here messin’ with him the way ah know they can.

Now, you let us go and ah’ll make sure he never says anything. Ah’ll tell him ah went off mah head and that yer healer fixed me up and we’ll be done with it. Y’all ‘ll never see me again, and mah nephew kin go back to bein’ what he is and not worried about things goin’ bump under the bed – or the house.”

Al sat back and absorbed what he’d heard. THAT was it. In the gunroom, the Sergeant-Major nodded sagely. The truculence and noise was exactly that – a feint – to get his nephew out of the influence before he was roped into the Masquerade.
Al started to chuckle. The chuckle went from that to a guffaw, to a full-throated bellow of laughter. Briggs looked on, more than a trifle confused.

Finally, Al ran down. “Briggs, me old trout, I have a bit of news for you.”

“And whut would that be, Mister Richer?” Briggs was guarded and Al could see the colour rising at his collar again.

“First off, mate, stop calling me that unless you really do want to make me angry. I work for a living just like you do.

Second, how long did Leslie work for AHI?”

“Dunno – thirty years?”

“And on top of that he’s worked for me for a few years – since I opened up on AHI’s campus.

Briggs, AHI is a centaur-owned and founded company. Just about everyone who works for AHI is para-aware, and centaurs work in the plants right alongside humans and some other para folks.

My majordomo Arania is a para with wings and she flies regularly inside the works. Leslie and John bought her first set of coveralls with Velcro wing patches – when she’s working on the floor with them they call her ‘Wing’. She is a damn fine mechanical engineer because of those two – they taught her from scratch.

I daresay that he’s got far more experience with paras than you do – and for a far longer time. Right now, he’s likely finished his lunch and is sitting at table over coffee or a beer with a centaur and two vampires – and he knows what they are.”

Briggs was stunned. All his carefully assembled conclusions had fallen apart before his eyes – and he realized that the possibility presented to him now had never even occurred to him.

“Waaaaal, ain’t that a kick in the haid. Never occurred to me. Ah just figured y’all kept things under cover and that the boy – damn, ah gotta stop callin’ him that – knew nothin’. Now whut the hail am ah gonna do? He’s likely laughin’ himself sick over this.”

“Trust me Briggs, NONE of us is laughing at you about this. As a matter of fact, that ‘maid’ who came in and delivered the coffee-“

“Ya mean the one with the big knockers and the skimpy uniform?” Briggs snickered.

“Yes, the one with the astounding cleavage and I will save your life by never telling her you said that as she is my daughter-in-law’s mother. As I was saying, the ‘maid’ was actually a senior MIB agent and was about a hairsbreadth from making sure you didn’t leave here with the memories of anything paranormal.”

“DAMN! Ah done messed up a good one.”

“We all did. There were a lot of misunderstandings here, and had you not seen my granddaughter up doing her flight exercises – she’s a siren, and adopted – you would have left as blissfully unaware as when you arrived. As for my dear dryad she and I are going to have talk about propriety in front of guests – especially mundane ones.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a phone call down to the kitchen before MIB storms my office.”

With that, Al sat back behind his desk, sat and picked up the handset from the phone. Pressing redial, he called the kitchen. The handset burred in his ear once, twice, then Lily answered.

"Now what? Want me to bring you up tea and biscuits? What's the situation up there?"

"Everybody can stand down - the situation is resolved. Briggs and I will be coming down momentarily."

"OK, not buying it. What's the situation up there? He get hold of that .45 you have on your credenza in the box? Damnit, how the hell did you let a civilian get the drop on you like that?

Talk to me, damnit."

"If you'll shut up, I will. Things are just fine, and we'll be down in a few minutes."

"He's got a gun on you, doesn't he? Damnit, Al, you should have let me neuralize him and solve the problem. Noooo, Al knows best... Fine. McBride and I will be there in a minute - stay behind your desk and get ready to be under it-"

"Look, you overdramatic bloodsucker if you insist on doubting my word you and I are going to have a discussion with a stake and a bottle of holy water."

"That shit doesn't work and you know it. Are you serious?"

"YES, I AM SERIOUS. Now if you will let me get off the sodding phone we can come down and talk. I assume you've taken off that ridiculous disguise?"

"No - I haven't. Thought I might have to go back in. Why?"

"You're going to give Greg a serious case of whiplash - I assume he's still there?"

"Yes. He got into the gunroom and is wearing your Ruger in your shoulder holster. Why, I don't know."

"Security blanket. He feels naked without a carry so when the times get interesting he feels the need for a pacifier. Do NOT even make the suggestion he is compensating...that would not go well."

The grin in her voice was evident even over the tinny phone. "If you can make jokes like that you're OK. By the way, I WON'T TELL GREG YOU SAY HE'S COMPENSATING!" accompanied by a masculine bellow of protest from further away. Lily laughed, and said "See you when you come down."

"Lily - a favor. Would you call over to Buck's house and ask Atsali to come over? And ask that wondful dam I'm married to to go feral? Lastly, make sure you have a BIG smile for Briggs when we come down. If we're going to drop the poor man in the plonker we might as well do it PROPERLY. Oh, one other thing - would you ask Rosalita to put on two cheeseburgers and some chips? It's been a busy morning."

"Certainly. Give us 10."

With that, Al hung up the desk phone and turned to his guest. "We'll head down to the kitchen in a few minutes - don't know about you mate, but I could use a bite of lunch."

"Ah heard cheeseburgers. Works fer me."

"I am sure you also heard the other requests I made. The blinds are being raised. My granddaughter Atsali - the one you saw flying - will be there, as well as my two favorite MIB vampires and my wife in full centaur form. You, my friend, are going to get to meet the paranormal world that your dear nephew is familiar with. Are you all right with this?"

"Hayll yes. Ah've always wondered whut's out there and ta be honest been kinda 'fraid of it. Ta know it's out there fer real - and it's friendly - wayll that's just a blessin' an old man lahk me never would'a hoped to come home with.

Mah nephew still here, or'd he go ta the plant?"

"Of course he's still here. I am not going to worry about today, though I have no doubt John has already addressed Bessie's issues and she is in fine fettle. We can head over after lunch and pick it up - or perhaps you and Smokey would like to just go and catch up along the way?"

"Why, Mister Richer, that seems like a fine idea. Any chance we maht borrow that fine filly o'yers?"

Al gritted his teeth momentarily, much to the amusement of the other man. "Naow, ah was jest kiddin'. Leslie and ah'll head over there in his car and that'll be the end of it. Ah've appreciated yer hospitality, Al, but ah won't impose on it any more- 'specially after the way ah went on this mornin'."

"Hades, no. You, my friend, are going to have a PROPER family dinner with us - with folks as they SHOULD look. I want you to meet my family as they really are - wonderful folks, all. This afternoon when you get back if I can talk my stepdaughter into it perhaps we'll go for a ride around the property - if that sounds good to you."

"Hayll yes!"

"Shall we go downstairs? I suspect lunch is nearly ready."

With that, the two men rose and left the office.

Briggs was dazzled by the spectacle that presented itself in the kitchen on their entry. First off was Atsali, wings spread and a shy smile on her face, Next to her was Katherine, and alongside them Daisy, magnificently feral as Al so enjoyed seeing her.

The two vampires and Dr. Pratt were sitting at the counter with drinks along with Greg and Annie, the vampires’ suspiciously red-tinged. As Briggs and Al entered Pratt and MacBride smiled dazzlingly, their dentition remarkably evident.

Briggs stopped dead two steps in the door, and tensed. With that, Al was next to him and quietly saying “Steady on, mate, steady on.” With a few steps Smokey was facing his uncle, concern in his face. “Uncle, yew okay?”

“Never better, boy. Damn, yew kin keep a secret. Ah never knew y’all knew a damn thing about this.” With a wave, he encompassed the tableau.

“Briggs, let me introduce you to my granddaughter and her mother. “ Trying to break the confusion, Al took Briggs by the elbow and steered him over to Atsali.

“Atsali dear, Katherine, this is Mr. Stratton. Briggs, my granddaughter Atsali and her mother Katherine.”

With that, Briggs’ courtly manner engaged, breaking the strain of the moment. “Miss Atsali, Miss Katherine, ah’m pleased ta meet y’all. Miss Atsali, your wings are just…beautiful. Y’all look just lahk an angel.”

“Trust me, Mr. Stratton, she is no more an angel than most teenagers. “ Katherine smiled, and Briggs turned to her. “Do yew have wings, too, ma’am?”

Katherine laughed. “No, Mr. Stratton, I don’t. Atsali is adopted, as is my other daughter Castela. We’re a composite family – my husband is a centaur like my mother-in-law here.”

Turning in the gestured direction, Briggs finally truly saw Daisy for the first time. He paled slightly, and his eyes opened wide as he looked up…and up. After a moment, though, good manners resumed, and he took her right hand, bent over it, and planted a peck on the back.

“Ma’am, yew are even more beautiful with four legs than with two – with no shame meant ta yer human self.” Pleased and flattered, Daisy whinnied slightly, and said, “You are a very perceptive man, Briggs – may I still call you Briggs though I’m like this?”

“Only if ah kin still call you Miss Rosalynd.” Briggs was warming to this and the strangeness, while evident, was wearing off rapidly as he realized that strangeness notwithstanding, these were just people.

“No, Briggs, you are to call me Daisy, just as the rest of these people do. That’s my paddock – nickname – I’ll explain later – but it’s the name that friends call me, and after this morning I think we’re friends, don’t you?”

“Daisy, yes, ah hope we are if yew can forgive me fer bein’ such a daym fool.”

“Nothing to forgive – you didn’t know, and that’s all there is to it. Welcome to our world.” Daisy smiled down on the man, and took his hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

Al then steered Briggs over to the counter, where the MIB operatives sat with Greg and Annie.

“Greg, Miss Annie – how’re yew part o’ this? Not bein’ nosy ‘n all – jest tryin’ ta sort things in mah head.”

Greg chuckled. “Briggs, Annie here ‘n ah ‘re as human as yew are.” Greg’s accent, normally minimal, was out in force.

"So tell me- how's a Tennessean lahk YEW wahnd up in this hear mishmash?" Briggs addressed Greg.

Al looked at Greg in surprise- "You told me you were born and raised in San Jose California,"

"I was. My Mom was from Tennessee originally... when I speak with a drawl, that's what people hear,"

"Indeed... there are different dialects of drawl?" Al ventured.

"Shoern' Hell there is! Whut's more, yor Mama wuz from nor'eastern Tennessee, ahm Ah right?" Briggs asked.

"Sixteen miles north by northwest of Mountain City, a little place called 'Podunk Hollow' Greg answered.

"HAH! 'QUEEN OF THE APPALACIAS!' 'Ceptin' you call it 'Poda Hollar' effin thayts whar yer from." Briggs retorted. It was blindingly obvious he was having fun with his co-conspirator, and Greg was hamming it up for all it was worth.

"You know, I really am not sure I hear a difference between Briggs here and what you come off with when you 'go south'," Al ventured.

"Not surprising, really. Most Texans come from Tennessee stock to begin with," Greg replied.

Steering the conversation back to introductions, Al said “Briggs, I’d like you to meet the MIB contingent. AND THAT REMINDS ME – who called you lot in?” At that question Suzy snickered and Lily looked a bit abashed. Dr. North studiously contemplated his drink till Daisy spoke.

“I did, Al. I wasn’t sure that this was going to work out as well as it did, and I didn’t want to worry about lag time if things went South.”

Al looked up. “Wife of my life, I deplore your lack of faith in me. Have you EVER known me to lose control of a situation?”

With that, the kitchen erupted in laughter led by Greg, as Al had completely intended.

“Really, now…there’s no need for this!” All harrumphed as the laughter died off.

“Honestly, dear, you did make the right call. In any case, Briggs, I’d like you to meet Katherine’s mother, Lily Pratt. This is her partner, Suzy McBride, and their associate Dr. North – who is from what I have heard from our associate Glytch a passed master at memory manipulation. Lily, Suzy, Doctor – meet Briggs.”

Briggs shook their hands, and looked at the two MIB agents. “Al says y’all ‘re Vampahrs. Z’at true?”

Lily snorted. “And you believe HIM? Of course not – I’m just a maid here.” she said, pointing to the ridiculous disguise she still wore.

“Waaaalll, y’know it does look good on yer, ma’am, but ah’m inclined to b’lieve Al…’specially after y’all smiled at me lahk y’did.” An impish grin played around his lips, and Al was relieved to see that everything, while strange, was not putting too undue a strain on the man’s psyche.

Lily and Suzy chuckled and Suzy took up the narrative. “Yes, Briggs, we are. There’s a lot of us in law enforcement – we seem to like keeping order.” Looking at him keenly, she continued. “For a man who’s just had his world expanded, you seem to be doing remarkably well.”

“Ma’am, ah been round the track a few times in mah life, and seen some amazin’ things. This is…well if it don’t beat all it’s damn close. Ah’m prob’ly gonna git the shakes here sometime when ah figure out whut’s gone on, but raht now it’s all wonder and joy.” Again he raised a feminine hand and planted a peck on it, and Suzy smiled again. “Ah’m so pleased ta make yer acquaintance, ma’am, and yours, Miss Lily. You too, Dr. North.”

The physician nodded and smiled. Sometimes he hated his job – and on days like today when he wasn’t needed…it was just gravy.

[Just Old Al]

AN: A few hands in this one as well as my own. Sarge, ever the raconteur tells us of his first encounter with the paranormal, and Sterling/Dinky is a wonderful dinner guest as always, and gives Briggs another data point - that of mages.

Chapter 10 – Endgame

Dinner that night was festive – and crowded. Al had persuaded the MIB contingent to stay for dinner, and Buck and Katherine with their brood had come as well. Cindy had been called out of hiding at her girlfriend’s and Greg and Annie had stayed on as well.

Along with the people Briggs had already met was a newcomer, the calm, grey-eyed Sterling. During the afternoon it had occurred to Al that Briggs had had the luck to meet obvious paras, and para-aware humans and that perhaps an addition somewhere in between was in order. As Ialin was currently persona non grata in the household (Daisy was quite miffed with the dryad and Al scarcely less so) Al also figured she would be an interesting dinner partner for the old gentleman.

At drinks before dinner Al introduced the pair. "Briggs, this is Sterling Damhnait. Sterling, this is Briggs Stratton - Smokey's uncle. The poor gentleman's had quite a day, as you know."

Briggs, ever the gentleman, shook hands with Sterling, and asked "Miss, ah don't b'lieve we've met. Whay would yew know the day ah've had?"

Sterling smiled and replied. "Well, luv, you and I met while you were having a kip on your bed this morning. I'm the person who fixed up your head where you had that close encounter with the oak tree. I also made sure you had a proper nap and woke up rested."

"Whay, thanks t'you for that, miss. Are yew a doctor?"

Sterling laughed. "Wellllll, no. Actually, I'm a mage - a practitioner of magic. I'm kind of in-between the people you've met today, as I'm a human, but I'm a paranormal too." She carefully left out the story of her father and sisters - no need to insert those complications at this point. Close enough was good enough for the present time.

Briggs was somewhat taken aback. "Wayll, Miss, I'd'a never known. Pleased t'meet yew. Ah’ve never met a mage before."

Laughing, Sterling moved her hands, muttered a trifle, and said "Look down at your glass." Where his stein had been nearly empty, it was now full of his choice of beer, with a perfect head on top.

Edward is going to laugh when he finds the capped empty bottle in the walk-in thought Sterling.

Briggs, inured to surprises by the tumultuous day, grinned and quaffed a mouthful of the frothy brew. "Miss, if thayt's whut bein' a mage is all about, where kin ah sign up to learn?"

Sterling laughed as well. "No, that's not it by a long chalk. Within the rules, we manipulate the forces of the Universe. Where humans use tools to manipulate their environments, we use the forces directly. It's not easy, and takes an innate gift and much training, but it does make life interesting."

SIpping more of his beer, Briggs replied "Indeed. Yew and ah need ta talk 'bout that. Seems ta me thayt there's lots 'a places thayt kind o' power could come in handy in mah industry."

Sterling stopped, pondered a bit, and shook her head. "I am afraid that is a no go."

"Whay's that?" Briggs asked, not so much contrary as curious.

"Mages - all of us - are creatures of the World. We work within, and are ruled by the four elements - Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. I am a Water mage, my cousins are Fire and Earth mages. Things like deep drilling, oil exploration, mining and the like, while necessary, are not anything we can get anywhere near for very long - the disturbance to the lines of power - the leylines - is chaotic and painful to us, and it must be truly urgent for us to even consider it."

"Damn. Ah'm sorry - ah didn't know."

"Not a problem. We have to operate 'within the rules', no matter what - the rules of magic are very strict, and violating them comes with a very high cost."

As she said that, Edward entered the great room, and called the group to dinner.

Rosalita had outdone herself and gone for her classic steakhouse menu with perfectly marbled sirloins and all the trimmings, with a vegetarian option for those who chose it.

With the sumptuous dinner came the relaxed, friendly talk of dinner en famille. The stories around the table tonight centered on the humans and their encounters with the paranormal and the world-bending that took place.

Greg, as always, was in high form. A truly skilled raconteur, he had Briggs enthralled with the story of his first encounter with the paranormal.

"I live in Eastern Washington State, about three hours west of Spokane and one hour south of Canada. One day I noticed this... 'critter'... about nine foot tall, shaggy with horns and walking upright, headed out for my neighbor's alfalfa field. I grab my house shotgun and follow- to my amazement, the critter squeezes into an outhouse at the edge of the field. I approach as carefully as I can, when the door flings open and this pale brunette with freckles comes out and starts telling me about this 'library' that can be reached through the outhouse. I figure I have finally lost my mind when she drags me into the outhouse... and into a hallway... and points at this door that she says leads the way. "What the hell," says I, "I must be hallucinating... oh well, make the most of it..."

I lean the shotgun against the wall and walk in- into the biggest damn Library you can imagine! Next thing I know, there's this HUGE flying lion with a woman's upper torso and head, and she wants to know if I seek Knowledge or Adventure..."

"So what didja tell her?" Briggs pried.

"Well... seeing as I damn near dumped in my pants, I asked about a bathroom! She took me there and while I was busy with the round in the breech, I tried to figure out a request that would explain why I was there. Well, among other things, I motorize bicycles..."

"Motorized bicycles?" Daisy spoke up, "You're kidding me – why would you do that?"

"Quite serious- and I was doing a custom build to look like a 1912 Harley- so I asked for blueprints thereof."

“So, what happened?”

“I came out and asked for knowledge. After the lion lady asked me a riddle and I answered, the place was mine. I got the plans I wanted, and got pitched headfirst into the middle of the paranormal.”

Daisy spoke up. “The ‘lion lady’ as Greg has been calling her is a frequent visitor here – some time we’ll have to introduce you. She and her husband are wonderful people.”


“She’s very nice people – but when I met her, the first thing I did was pass out.” Katherine confessed, somewhat sheepishly. “It’s a bit of a shock, being told ‘answer the riddle or I get to eat you’. That’s the part Greg left out.”

“No!”

“I don’t think she’s done any more when it comes to human visitors other than throw them back out in centuries – seems a kind of an unwritten rule of hers. All that random human probably gave the poor lady heartburn.”

“My dear husband, however, came very close to ending up a Sphinx canape. From what I heard it was quite an argument.” Daisy said with an innocent smile on her face and a bubbling pot of unholy glee in the back of her mind.

Spearing her with a vexed look that went completely unheeded, Al picked up the tale.

“It was during the siege when we had all gone to ground here. I’d had a…really bad day, and Phix and Neil - the lion lady and her husband – decided the best way to snap me out of my funk was to take me to the Library and make me answer a riddle – all under the pretense of getting a decent cup of coffee.

“So, we wander into the Library and the first thing I do is head for the coffee cart-“

“Oh, No…that’s not the way we heard it!’ Greg interrupted.

“Oh, very well then, YOU tell it!” Al sat back and crossed his arms.

“What Mr. Funny Accent here doesn’t know is that I was right behind him when he went through – and I saw the whole thing.

He wanders through the door – and his head goes up – and up- and up. This place is an amazing architectural feat and it’s well worth seeing. After a few seconds, the caffeine-seeking cruise missile spots the coffee cart our friend ran – and he make a beeline for it.

Phix – the lion lady – pops over him and comes down – THUMP! – between him and the coffee cart. He screeches to a halt, and Phix says ‘Do you seek Knowledge Or Adventure!’ He, completely unintimidated by a ton of clawed killing machine, says, ‘I seek sodding COFFEE, you threadbare excuse for a fur rug!’

Now, Phix in full feral form is capable of tearing up a battle tank with her teeth and claws – and this old fool is not only defying her – he’s insulting her!”

By now, everyone around the table is breathless with laughter at Greg’s telling. Al, sitting with his arms crossed, is imperturbable but the glint in his eye showed he was enjoying the story as much as the rest.

“They go back and forth a few times, and Phix tells him what he’s getting is a riddle. Answer it and he lives, don’t and Phix gets an old, stringy chew toy. Al looks her straight in the eye and says ‘I’ve sat with you while you nursed your child – do you really expect me to believe this pantomime?’

By now Phix is just beyond annoyed. He’s not taking this seriously, and that is just irritating. She pulls back and SMACK – blows him 20 feet across the floor where he slides to a halt.”

Briggs, simultaneously horrified and doubled over with laughter, choked out “Then whut?”

“This is when it got good. Al on a good day has a temper that you just don’t want to wake up. Mind you, he’s had a REALLY bad day, is caffeine deprived, hungry and she is between him and the first decent cup of coffee he’s had in weeks.

He drags his ass off the floor, puts his fedora back on and walks up to Phix and basically tells her to move it or lose it – and that Tartarus is going to freeze over if he’s going to answer any riddles before he gets a cup of coffee.

From there, things began to escalate. The volume goes up, and the trash talk gets downright nasty. She bellows at him that he either answers the riddle or dies, and he bellows right back that he is not answering anything till he gets a cup of coffee. I do believe the terms ‘badly aerodynamic pile of spare parts’ are used.

By this time Phix is just DONE with this. She bellows that she could kill him without breaking a sweat, and he shouts right back that she should look him up a recipe for sphinx – because he eats what he’s forced to kill and he’s not in a mood to experiment.”

There was a chorus from the table, of laughter, shouts of disbelief and more laughter. Greg continued, standing to pantomime the rest.

“By this time these two morons are nose to nose – and Al commits the unpardonable sin. She bellows ‘HOW DARE YOU!’ and this crazy old bastard screams right back ”I DARE! HUMANS ARE SCAVENGER CARNIVORES – I’ve eaten far worse – though you do look a little UNDEREXERCISED!”

By now, the table was breathless with laughter. Wiping his eyes Briggs hooted “HE WENT FOR THE FAT JOKE?”
“I heard it myself. He tensed up, Phix got ready to pounce, and her husband – showing more bravery than common sense – stepped in between them and tried to stop the fight. He got Phix calmed down, but THIS lunatic wanted his coffee and was going to take on a Sphinx to get it.

He tells Neil to get out of the way – he’s tired of all the posing. She bellows back “POSING! I’ll give you posing you dried up bag of bones..”

This lunatic stands there, raises his hand and-“

“NO! He gave her the two-finger salute?”

“Worse. He stood there, crooked his index finger at her, and said “HERE, KITTY, KITTY!”

“Oh, Damn…no. THEN whut happened?”

“Two things. Neil yelled at both of them to stop it, and our barista friend slipped in and handed Al a coffee. He took a sip, and got all civilized all of a sudden. She calmed down, and asked him his riddle – which he answered.

Right about that time I went back out the door and back to the mansion – and the rest is history. Those two are the closest of friends, now, though she still threatens to eat him now and again.”

Briggs wiped his streaming eyes, and said ”Ah don’t believe it – but it’s a damn good story.”

“Every last word of it is true – and if anything, Briggs me old cock, he understated it and left out at least half-a-dozen rounds of insults.”

“No!”

“Absolutely.”

“Not everyone has so tumultuous a reception there. Most folks who get there just answer the riddle or leave, no drama. And then there’s our friend Glytch. He’s another of our friends – a genius scientist with more than a little crazy.

I got all of this second-hand, but I trust Phix. She was a little confused.

He walks in with Nudge the goat lady, and Phix plunks down right behind him – paws to both sides. He’s a parkour specialist – French martial arts – and jumps BACKWARDS under her, grabs her wing and she flips him across the floor. He lands, does a truly improbable set of moves, ends up back on his feet facing her and she gives him the standard offer – answer or die.

He offers her recipes for human, and suggests a good barbecue sauce. This as you can imagine is unusual. Nonplussed but sticking to the script, she asks him a riddle, and he answers her with one – perfectly correctly. From what she said, the last gent who did that was some chappie named Tolkein.”

“Damn!” Briggs replied, which caught him yet another warning glare from Katherine. Thankfully, Castela hadn’t been paying attention, though Atsali saw the exchange and snickered at it slightly.

Abashed, Briggs continued. “Yer friend there’s a quick thinker, ‘long with bein’ an acrobat. Yew folks do attract the most interestin’ people, it does seem. He’s a human, too?”

“Yes. Glytch, like Greg, Katherine and I are human. If Glytch were here he’d be laughing at the fact I didn’t say ‘just human’ – that phrase is one of his pet peeves. Our young friend is a master of modern technologies and a true mad scientist – and we’re all sincerely glad he’s on OUR side, as we’ve seen what he can do to the other chappies when he chooses to.”

“As far as the Library goes, only humans have to justify their right to the library with the challenge – because the Library of Alexandria was destroyed we forfeited our right to access. Now, the humans who find it are the ones who really want it or need it – and the few baddies tend to get weeded out very rapidly by going toe-to-toe with Madame Sphinx.”

“Doggone. Ah’d lahk to meet these folks sometime – not now. Gotta head home soon – the missus is gonna be wonderin’ whut happened to me. Gotta call her tomorroa and let ‘er know I found Leslie – and everythin’s just damn fine.” With that, he reached an arm over his nephew’s shoulder and pulled him into a side-hug.

“Unc, d’y’all have to head home so soon? Mah digs ain’t so fancy as this, but it’s nice, and ah’d lahk it if y’could stay and catch up. Edna’d love ta see yew, and we ain’t near caught up yet. Stratton Drilling’ll survive a few more days without ya.”

“Leslie, seein’s ya put it that way, ah’m sure yer ant ‘d understand. Sure.” He hugged his nephew again, then turned his attentions back to his plate.

The evening went on like that – stories told, questions answered, and the paranormal revealed to an eager initiate. During it, Smokey participated as well, talking about Ari and the weird and wonderful things that passed through RE on a regular basis – and all about working with centaurs at AHI.

As dinner reached the tea/coffee/brandy stage, Al stood and raised his glass.

“Ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass with me. To old friends, to new friends, to family and to those closer than family.

And here’s to the paranormal – life would be SO boring without it.”

“TO THE PARANORMAL!” rang from a dozen throats, and they drank.

[chicgeek]

*applauds*

[Dave]

Another excellent collaboration! Thank you, all!

[FreeFlier]

I knew it . . .

Nice!

--FreeFlier

[Just Old Al]

I knew it . . .

Nice!

--FreeFlier

And did I ever say anything else? The obvious solution is often the best - but the most boring from a storyteller's standpoint. What would the fun have been if Briggs turned around and said" A siren - Neat!"

Booooooring.

Thanks for the kudos.

[Just Old Al]

Oh - a last author's note on this.

This WHOLE DAMN STORY came out of the picture that was at the front of the thread. A friend in Texas was complaining that he had to get one of his cars fixed - my friend in Pecos. I looked up Caddies with horns and found that El Cadillac and sent it to him as a joke...then spent 2 hours in traffic on my way to work.

Strange things happen when bored and sitting in traffic. In this instance, it was the entire beginning scene with Briggs and the wheezing Eldorado. The rest of the story followed from there once the characters started talking to me.

One funny thing. The endgame where Briggs and the rest were having dinner. I wrote Greg teling of Al's contest with Phix - and Greg replied to me that "I tell that story better than you do - even if I DIDN'T TELL IT!"

I remarked that he had - I heard him and just wrote it down. Such is the madness of being a writer.

Alan

[Sgt. Howard]

"And every bit of th' gospel truth... give er take a lie er two..."

[AmriloJim]

Great story, but this bothers me. Briggs had a history with MiB. Why didn't someone 'run' his name and brief the toothsome two before one of them got poured into a maid's uniform?

Also, I like the bilingual pun: Briggs & Stratton / Briggs y Stratton (And/y).

[FreeFlier]

. . . This WHOLE DAMN STORY came out of the picture that was at the front of the thread. A friend in Texas was complaining that he had to get one of his cars fixed - my friend in Pecos. I looked up Caddies with horns and found that El Cadillac and sent it to him as a joke...then spent 2 hours in traffic on my way to work.

Strange things happen when bored and sitting in traffic. In this instance, it was the entire beginning scene with Briggs and the wheezing Eldorado. The rest of the story followed from there once the characters started talking to me. . . .

Why do I fic? . . . to make the voices talk to somebody else.

So true.

--FreeFlier

[Just Old Al]

Great story, but this bothers me. Briggs had a history with MiB. Why didn't someone 'run' his name and brief the toothsome two before one of them got poured into a maid's uniform?

Also, I like the bilingual pun: Briggs & Stratton / Briggs y Stratton (And/y).

Because that wouldn't be funny - and they likely didn't have a name/SSN/whatever before they left if they were working off a 30-second phone call from Al's lady?

[Warrl]

and they likely didn't have a name/SSN/whatever before they left if they were working off a 30-second phone call from Al's lady?

That's a valid point but I don't think it would have slowed them down that much. Just how many people named Briggs Stratton have nephews who work for Al?

[FreeFlier]

They may not have found the information in time . . .

Or Lily could have been working on the fly.

Or the MIB librarian went for coffee . . .

Or there's a cellphone dead spot . . .

. . .

More likely, it simply wasn't funny/chaotic enough.

--FreeFlier

[Warrl]

And five and a half years later I notice this:

The two vampires and Dr. Pratt were sitting at the counter

Should be Dr. North.

[Just Old Al]

Warrl, I am NOT going to fix that - just because it's so DAMN funny that you noticed it after all this time...

I'll be over here in the corner kicking myself for missing it.

ajr

[lake_wrangler]

Warrl, I am NOT going to fix that - just because it's so DAMN funny that you noticed it after all this time...

I'll be over here in the corner kicking myself for missing it.

ajr

One good thing did come out of noticing that mistake... I read the fic again, and had fun doing so. It was amusing to read my own comments here and there, as well.

No, I'm sure I had nothing else I was supposed to do instead...

*whistles innocently*