Bad jokes

[Atomic]

Two idiots decide to try their luck at fishing. They get a fishing license, buy some gear, go to the lake and rent a boat. They row around, trying to catch fish, but nary a nibble. Eventually, the find a nice spot near some trees and get some bites.

"Hey, this is fun!" says the first idiot. "We've found a good spot! We're going to have to come back here and do this again."

"You're right," says the other idiot. "I hope we can remember this lucky fishing spot!"

"I came prepared," replies the first idiot. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a big piece of chalk, and puts a huge X on the bottom on the rowboat.

"No! Wait! That won't work!" says the second idiot.

"Why not?"

"We might not get this boat next time!"

[Jabberwonky]

A hillbilly goes into town to pick up a months supplies and happens to win a boat from a store raffle. Taking the small rowboat back home he is disappointed because there are no bodies of water nearby to float it in. He drags the boat out into the middle of an empty field and, sitting in it, throws a fishing line over the side.
A little later his brother comes by and sees him.
"Do you know how stupid that makes us look? If he yells angrily, throwing his hat on the ground. "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[Leak]

Always backup your data. Even Jesus saves!

...and he also makes nightly off-site backups...

[ShneekeyTheLost]

I once knew a guy who was addicted to brake fluid... he swore he could stop at any time.

[bmonk]

The attorney asked "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yea, I want one of those deevorces."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 240 acres."
Attorney: "No you do not understand me, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge, that is where I park the Deere."
Attorney: "No, do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "No sir, we both get up about 4:40."
Attorney: "What I mean to ask is why you want this divorce?"
Farmer: "Oh, that's easy. She says she can't communicate with me."

[bmonk]

Recently at the Univ. of South Carolina, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

[bmonk]

0le is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. They are pounding a sign into the ground that says:

DA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BEFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

A car speeds past them, the driver sees the sign, leans out his window and yells, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" A minute later they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge Out?"

[Fairportfan]

I hear Garrison Keillor.

[Atomic]

Speaking of Skandihoovians...

Olaf the lumberjack was good at his trade, but today wasn't going so well. His axe handle broke. Not a problem, really, as he was ahead of his quota and town was nearby.

"How do sir! How may we be of help?" asked the merchant.

"Vell, my axe handle gave out on me and I could use new one. I've got anodder cord to cut up before eefning," answers Olaf.

"A cord eh? Have you considered a chain saw?" offers the merchant. "You can get that cord out of the way in a jiffy! Why, with a little practice, you could cut five cords a day, easy!"

"Five, you say? Oh, dat sounds like the ting for me, that does!" And Olaf happily bought a new chain saw.

Back at the forest, he worked on the rest of his chores, but it didn't go so well. It was well into the evening before he finished the cord of wood.

"Hmmm," thought Olaf. "He did say I'd be needing some practice with this ting. I'll do better tomorrow."

So Olaf got an early start the next day, but it didn't go very well at all. His first cord wasn't finished until long after lunch, and by sunset he was barely half-way through the second.

"Bah!" though Olaf. "This isn't vorking quite right. I'll give it one more try."

Olaf had a quick breakfast, skipped lunch, and worked past sunset, and had just a bit past two cords done. He was disgusted with the new chain saw. The next day he went back to the hardware store as soon as it opened and faced down the merchant.

"Tis ting isn't working like you said! I been working dawn to dusk for two days and I still don't have five cords done! Vat's wrong?"

"I'm so very sorry," replied the merchant. "Here -- let me take a look and see what's happening."

The merchant examined the chain and housing, then added some gas and started it up.

"VAT IS DAT NOISE?"

[shadowinthelight]

Why did the patriotic man go to the podiatrist convention?

He heard they were going to give a pronation lecture.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

A woman goes to the meat department of the grocery store to price out some meat. She saw the porkchops, but they weren't labeled with a price tag, so she waved one of the workers over.

"How much are the porckchops?"

"Dat be ten buck, miss."

"Where is the sausage?"

"Oh, dat be in anodder store"

"Why is that?"

"Oh, it ten-buck-too"

[Typeminer]

Some neurologists were studying organoleptic sense development in children, trying to determine the age when kids can first identify different flavors. They determined that 4-year-olds could identify the flavors of red and orange lifesavers as cherry and orange.

The next step was to test more subtle flavors. The first trial was a neutral-colored honey lifesaver. Four-year-old Suzie was the first subject.

"Can you tell what flavor the candy is?" asked the researcher.

"I dunno . . . it tastes diff'rent." said Suzie.

"Could it be something your mommy calls your daddy sometimes?" prompted the researcher.

Suzie's eyes went wide, and she bolted out of the chair and spit the lifesaver across the room.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed Suzie. "It's an asshole!"

[Atomic]

The Forest Ranger had a wonderful time planned for his visit to the 1st Grade classroom. He brought large pictures of forest animals for the children to see and discuss.

"What's this animal?" he asks.

"An owl!" shouts the excited children.

"And this one?"

"A bear!"

"How about this one?" he asks, showing one of a deer with large antlers, standing in a meadow.

Silence.

"How about a hint? You might have heard your mommy call your daddy this name."

A long pause, then and hand slowly goes up in the back of the room.

"Is it a horny bastard?"

[Atomic]

[Fairportfan]

hsss

[Fairportfan]

[ShneekeyTheLost]

What did the Zen Bhuddist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me One With Everything!

[Atomic]

What did the Zen Bhuddist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me One With Everything!

(rimshot)

[DinkyInky]

Not sure if this counts, but my son has been playing this game with me called Dragonvale. It is basically a world builder where you make a park for folks to visit dragons.

He has come up with some nifty ones...

Lava Dragon named Brimstone and Hallasan.Hallasan is an inactive volcano in Korea. I did not get why he asked me for Volcano names until this.
Lightning Dragon named Buzz.Cause lightning makes a buzzing sound in a Tesla coil.
Firefly Dragon named Blinky.
Diamond Dragon named Princess, who doesn't need saving.
Steel Dragon named Damascus.
Mine Dragon named Craft...who has a twin named Shaft.
Metal Dragon named Lica. MetalLica if you could not guess.
Motley Dragon named Motleyrue. He told me the dragon was sick, and I needed to call the Doctor. I asked him if he meant Doctor Who, and he said no, Dr. Feelgood.

These are just a few of the cute ones. I decided to be silly and do Darkwing Duck characters for them until he discovered the rename ability, and changed the ones he did not agree with. It has been...amusing to log in to see the mayhem he has caused.

[Jabberwonky]

These are just a few of the cute ones. I decided to be silly and do Darkwing Duck characters for them until he discovered the rename ability, and changed the ones he did not agree with. It has been...amusing to log in to see the mayhem he has caused.

You, Madam, are doing bad things to that childs mind.
And I greatly commend you for doing so.

Carry on.