Wapsi Square Forum

Typeminer wrote:What's the difference between Catholics and Mennonites?

Catholics recognize the authority of the pope in matters of theology and liturgy.

Mennonites don't recognize each other in line at the liquor store.

[Told by a lapsed Mennonite on camping trip, who brought the whiskey and cigars, to the lapsed Catholics who brought the wine and beer]

Similar: How do you keep a Baptist (or Menonite) from drinking your beer while you are fishing?

Answer: Invite TWO Baptists.

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

The Bass section decided that during this performance, after they had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they would quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

True story that reminds me of:

Arthur Fiedler was reminiscing, late in his career, about his association with the Boston Pops.

He said one particularly amusing incident involved an outdoor concert on the Fourth of July - a particularly hot Fourth, at that.

The orchestra were all dressed in turn-of-the-century outfits, with striped blazers and white duck trousers. They were sitting on folding chairs.

During intermission, a nice little old lady came up and placed a gift for each musician on their chairs.

Chocolate bars.

The interviewer chuckled with him, then said "But I'll be it wasn't so funny at the time."

"Yes it was," Fiedler answered. "Conductors don't sit down."

A frog decided he needed to spruce up the old lily pad, but he couldn't afford to renovate. So he decided to go to the bank and take out a loan. Knowing that loans need some form of collateral, he brought an heirloom china teapot in the hopes that it will do.
He hops onto the desk of Patricia Black, assistant loan manager, and explains the situation. She examines the teapot and finally says, "I'm not sure this will do for collateral, but I'll double-check with my supervisor."
Ms. Black informs her boss of the frog wanting a loan & shows him the teapot. After a long moment, the supervisor looks at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan!"

The Playboy Channel announced today that it was producing a new BDSM lifestyle show loosely based on the SpongeBob Square Pants cartoon.

The title is "Fifty Shades of Gary"

Since you brought it up - Stuart Ashen already thousand-upped that to Fifty-Thousand Shades of Grey... (hooray for print-on-demand)

bmonk wrote:

Typeminer wrote:What's the difference between Catholics and Mennonites?

Catholics recognize the authority of the pope in matters of theology and liturgy.

Mennonites don't recognize each other in line at the liquor store.

[Told by a lapsed Mennonite on camping trip, who brought the whiskey and cigars, to the lapsed Catholics who brought the wine and beer]

Similar: How do you keep a Baptist (or Menonite) from drinking your beer while you are fishing?

Answer: Invite TWO Baptists.

This reminds me of the Baptist/Methodist jokes one of my high school teachers would tell in class.

Baptists say, "Don't drink. It's a sin."

Methodists say, "You shouldn't drink because it's a sin...but if you do drink, don't do it in public...but if you do, don't get so drunk that you fall down...but if you do, fall down with your face to the ground so no one will recognize you."

Julie wrote:This reminds me of the Baptist/Methodist jokes one of my high school teachers would tell in class.

Baptists say, "Don't drink. It's a sin."

Methodists say, "You shouldn't drink because it's a sin...but if you do drink, don't do it in public...but if you do, don't get so drunk that you fall down...but if you do, fall down with your face to the ground so no one will recognize you."

And, of course, the favorite tipple among lapsed Mormons is a nice glass of Jack Daniels.

Julie wrote:

bmonk wrote:

Typeminer wrote:What's the difference between Catholics and Mennonites?

Catholics recognize the authority of the pope in matters of theology and liturgy.

Mennonites don't recognize each other in line at the liquor store.

[Told by a lapsed Mennonite on camping trip, who brought the whiskey and cigars, to the lapsed Catholics who brought the wine and beer]

Similar: How do you keep a Baptist (or Menonite) from drinking your beer while you are fishing?

Answer: Invite TWO Baptists.

This reminds me of the Baptist/Methodist jokes one of my high school teachers would tell in class.

Baptists say, "Don't drink. It's a sin."

Methodists say, "You shouldn't drink because it's a sin...but if you do drink, don't do it in public...but if you do, don't get so drunk that you fall down...but if you do, fall down with your face to the ground so no one will recognize you."

There's also these: Methodists: In a crowded restaurant the headwaiter comes out and asks for a moment of silence – “Is there a Catholic priest in the house?”. No response. “An Episcopal priest?” No response. “Perhaps a Lutheran pastor?” Still no response. A man in the back raises his hand – “If it is a matter of spiritual counseling, I happen to be a Methodist minister.” The headwaiter shakes his head – “Forget spiritual counseling, I can’t find my corkscrew.”

And: Why are Baptists against extramarital sex? – Because it might lead to dancing.

I tried to catch some fog!

I mist.

A Hydrogen and a Helium atom are walking down the street, when suddenly the Hydrogen exclaims, "I lost my electron!"

"Are you sure?" the Helium asks.

"Yes! I'm positive!"

There's a punning competition which is held in London every year... they call it Punning on the Thymes. Since you could submit more than one entry, I submitted ten of them, hoping at least one would qualify. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

While working on his PhD dissertation, the grad student belatedly realized he had forgotten his bibliography. So he performed a quick append-it-to-me on the dissertation to save it from an ignominious fate.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake nights wondering if there really was a Dog.

In Mike Kurland's SF novel Pluribus, he mentions the Second Reformed Agnostic Church.

They have no doubt God exists - they're not sure He believes in them.

"Brother - has He found you?"

They listen in tongues.

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

In light of the new Pope's election, i recall the words of the Italian woman crusading for legalised birth control: "'Ey - you no play'a da game, you no make'a da rule!"

A pregnant woman is into a car accident and falls into a deep coma, only regaining consciousness after nearly six months. She sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "De-nephew".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.
As they are bobbing around, one says to the other, "I guess this proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Always backup your data. Even Jesus saves!

ShneekeyTheLost wrote:Always backup your data. Even Jesus saves!

...But Esposito scores on the rebound!