An ordinary ruler would work just as well...

[Fairportfan]

Penis-Measuring iPhone App Promises to Quantify Your Shortcomings

Here's an entry that's likely to get booted from Apple's App Store, but not before it leaves a trail of insecurity in its wake - the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises, which claims to accurately measure not just the length of the male penis but also its girth.

Talk about a real junk app, am I right?

But seriously, Condom Size is billed as a useful, ahem, tool that helps men can select the proper-sized condoms for their particular brand of equipment. And that's all it will ever be used for, we're quite sure.

First spotted by the AppSide blog, Condom Size is available for $1.99 for the iPhone and iPad with a hitch - you have to be 17 or older (or willing to pretend that you are) to download it.

Makes sense, because this app is, how shall we put it, extremely interactive. Per the instructions for measuring length (pictured), an individual intent on educating himself on proper condom-dashery would start by holding "his hard member against inches or cm on sides of screen." You read that right -getting a proper reading from Condom Size requires an extremely intimate encounter with your smartphone. Good thing they added a couple inches to the iPhone 5's screen size, right? Oh, stop bragging.

Measuring penis girth turns out to be slightly less straightforward. Interested parties are instructed to first loop a bit of string around their interested part and then measure that against the app's unforgiving digital ruler. And Voila! Now you something else to be insecure about!

Of course, all of this is for educational and entertainment purposes, VSM Enterprises assures us in its disclaimer for Condom Size.

"This app educates the male population on the proper condom placement and helps determine proper condom size. The app also includes educational condom tips, fun facts and more," the promo material informs us. "With this app you will be able to very easily determine your condom size through step-by-step instructions, find out exact details and sizes of over 30 condoms, purchase condoms, access educational condom tips, and view a ton of fun facts about condoms!"

Whatever it takes to keep everybody healthy and safe, we say. Shrinking violets need not apply.

[Jabberwonky]

And now, I can never again borrow someone's iPhone to make a call...

or

It's a good thing they're promoting condoms. I'd hate to see how this could spread (please tell me you saw this coming) hearing aids...

[Fairportfan]

A friend once said that if he were God, there would be a form of AIDS that would spread much more easily than HIV, but only white fundamentalists would get.

He would be a merciful God, though ... his AIDS would be easily curable.

The cure, however, would involve large, vigorous young black men...

[Julie]

A friend once said that if he were God, there would be a form of AIDS that would spread much more easily than HIV, but only white fundamentalists would get.

He would be a merciful God, though ... his AIDS would be easily curable.

The cure, however, would involve large, vigorous young black men...

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh dear... *wipes tear* Oh I needed that...

[Boxilar]

A friend once said that if he were God, there would be a form of AIDS that would spread much more easily than HIV, but only white fundamentalists would get.

He would be a merciful God, though ... his AIDS would be easily curable.

The cure, however, would involve large, vigorous young black men...

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh dear... *wipes tear* Oh I needed that...

That's wrong. Funny as Hell, but wrong.

[Fairportfan]

Don't read my contribution to the "Whale Penis Leather" thread, then...