The Library recieves a new scroll.

[Sgt. Howard]

This is a quick "one and done" that basically erupted from my mind without warning... quite painful, actually... there is medication for this, but it doesn't always work. Enjoy!

Phix went to sort out the new arrivals of the day when she saw it on top of a pile of grocery story scandal rags- a scroll. Oak pin and end caps, hand processed papyrus and clearly made in the image of antiquity- the craftsmanship and authenticity were superb! Certainly not in the same category as the "National Exaggerator" or the like.

Intrigued, she unrolled it to peruse.

Latin. And parsed as poetry. Seven syllables. eight syllables, five syllables, five syllables, eight syllables...

She began to read.

Halfway through the first poem, her face turned red- then purple. Eyes wide, she shook with rage.

The entire library heard her rage as she demanded to know who wrote this.

Nudge, Tsillah and Bia came from different corners of the library in response to Phix's cry. Nudge was first there and with a minor amount of difficulty wrestled the scroll from Phix (who was uttering the most un-lady like oaths regarding the author of that text) and then read it herself.

In moments, Nudge went from giggles to mad, side-splitting laughter. She dropped the scroll as she fell over, completely out of control. Tsillah then picked up the offending epistle and held it only briefly before shock registered on her now brilliantly blushing face.

"Oh... oh my... um... wow... where did... that... come from?" she stammered out.

"I have no clue, but I will find out," Phix snarled, "and I already have a suspicion. Does Greg Howard speak Latin?"

At this point, Nudge was screaming with laughter.

"Greg Howard?" Bia inquired, "why do you ask?"

As a reply, Phix snatched the scroll from a now catatonic Tsillah and offered it to Bia. Bia regarded it as if it were ticking or had a burning fuse. "Go on," Phix intoned, "read it. Tell me who's taste that panders to."

Bia nervously took the scroll and unrolled part of it. She started reading. Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline. With a blush, she snorted and choked in an attempt to avoid laughter... she then re-rolled the scroll as the giggles set in.

Phix regarded her with distain- "It amuses you? I would have thought better... Nudge I can understand... but you?"

"Oh, come on now," Bia sobered up rather quickly, "Limericks in Latin? How can that NOT be funny?!?"

"The one I read was PERFECTLY VILE! As in DISGUSTINGLY SICK!!!"

"Limericks usually are, Madam Librarian- as well you know." Bia was now face-to-face with Phix and not backing down.

While the two glared at each other, another voice joined in the fracas-

"What is this? What is this? What disturbs the Library? Why is there no... OH! Madam Librarian... if I may ask, what disturbs you?" Nicodemus now addressed the issue.

"Person or persons unknown... but suspected... just did a scroll of the most pornographic limericks in Latin, and we received a copy." Bia replied.

This stunned the old goat. He blinked as he took this in.

"Let me see if I understand this- someone, and I suspect you have a culprit in mind, took it upon themselves to use Latin... in a poetry form that never existed when Latin was routinely spoken... and used it to create... smut... am I correct?"

"Exactly!" Phix pronounced.

"I see- is there any... humor... to these limericks?"

"Well, you can clearly see that Nudge hasn't quite recovered from reading them, so I imagine that there is something there," Bia offered.

"So... perhaps grade-school level of coarsely funny then?"

Nudge recovered enough to giggle out, "A bit more sophisticated ..." before a fresh convulsion of laughter took hold.

"Fifth grade, perhaps," Nicodemus muttered to himself, " Madam Librarian," he addressed Phix, "Do we not have a copy of "Mein Kampf" in this library?"

"Yes... we DO but..."

"But what? Tell me, which is the more harmful literature here? Mind you, I fully understand the need to keep it intact. I would protect it with my life if for no other reason than it serves as a testament to the depravity of a mind poisoned by hatred. It needs to be intensely studied against the background of the history around it. It serves as a touchstone to display evil. To censor it is to guarantee a reprisal of the horrors it helped to create. Yet, which is the more repugnant? I assure you, there is more poison in the writings of Adolf Hitler than the scroll you hold in your hand. Who do you suspect, by the way?"

"Seargent Howard seems to be a master of Limericks," Bia offered.

"Seargent Howard, you say? Seargent Howard speaks English, German, Yiddish, a reasonable amount of Spanish... and just enough French to get his face slapped. He might know some Latin, but not enough to write Limericks in it. So now- you say that which you have in your hands is offensive to your sensibilities? I suggest you don't read it. I believe that settles the issue." He stood for a moment to see if there was any further argument, then hobbled back to his study leaning heavily on his staff.

Bia and Tsillah returned to whatever they were doing before. Nudge finally got some semblance of control over herself but was still giggling as she rose off the floor. She thought about asking Phix if she could read the scroll... but then thought better of it just to leave Phix be. The head librarian was in no mood to ask such a favor. The scroll would be easy enough to access, after all- how many books or scrolls contained Limericks in Latin?

Phix sat with the scroll in her hands, completely becalmed. It still rankled her- writing Limericks in Latin! On a scroll! What manner of sick mind...?

She opened it and considered the first poem- it was disgusting. Kinda funny... but disgusting. She read the second one... and snickered. It was cute- nasty, but cute. Then she read the third...




At home in their quarters, Neil read the first poem to Phix in a perfect stuttering impersonation of the Emperor Claudius. Phix was laughing so hard her ribs were in considerable pain. He then went to the nasal, high pitch of an inebriated Caligula for the next poem ("I seldom saw him sober," Neil had often said). Tears rolled down her cheeks. She had not laughed to this depth in at least three centuries. The third poem went in the formal stentorian tone of Julius Ceasar... salted with excellent renditions of that ludicrous giggle that Cleopatra was well-known for. Each poem saw the voice of another Ceasar or Senator, making the presentation even more hilarious. By the final poem (46 in all), neither Phix nor Neil could stop laughing.

[Dave]

Anthropologists generally seem to agree that the development of human language was probably spurred by the need to communicate effectively while hunting and gathering.

There are those who suspect that the second reason our ancestors learned to speak, was so that they could tell dirty stories and jokes while huddled around the campfire. The scroll's author is following a fine old tradition!

[Just Old Al]

One wonders at Sgt. Howard's sanity level if this truly was his handiwork. The words "old,stringy chew toy" come to mind over this, and I have no doubt that she would on the thinnest of evidence turn him into a canapé.

Al does not need the stress of getting him out of town.

[Sgt. Howard]

One wonders at Sgt. Howard's sanity level if this truly was his handiwork. The words "old,stringy chew toy" come to mind over this, and I have no doubt that she would on the thinnest of evidence turn him into a canapé.

Al does not need the stress of getting him out of town.

I can honestly say that I have never written a limerick in Latin. I once started to write the King James Bible in limerick... but was confronted by someone of authority... STRONG authority... and abandoned the effort.

[FreeFlier]

Hmmm . . . I wonder if Nudge is trying her hand at verse . . .

--FreeFlier

[Warrl]

I once started to write the King James Bible in limerick... but was confronted by someone of authority... STRONG authority... and abandoned the effort.

Perhaps they thought you were too young to be thinking that intently about the Song of Solomon.

[Sgt. Howard]

I once started to write the King James Bible in limerick... but was confronted by someone of authority... STRONG authority... and abandoned the effort.

Perhaps they thought you were too young to be thinking that intently about the Song of Solomon.

Actually, I had only gotten into Genisis ... but Song of Solomon? Hadn't even thought that far ahead... THAT has possibilities ...

[Sgt. Howard]

It appears I am preforming for crickets- I need a new venue.

[Just Old Al]

It appears I am preforming for crickets- I need a new venue.

What are you forming yourself into? THis could be amusing...

"Ladeez and GENTLEMEN for ONE NIGHT ONLY! The INCREDIBLE PRE-FORMING MAN, GREG HOWARRRRDDDDD!!!"

How about a bunny rabbit? Or a giant wooden badger?

I do agree, though. Performing works for coyotes and tumbleweeds has little appeal.