The elixir

[TazManiac]

It's good to see a storyteller with personality, a unique voice so to speak. kudos.

[Sgt. Howard]

Thank you all- I enjoy telling a good tale.
I suspect the next narration will be all about Neil... or, more correctly, Gaius Cornelius Antonia. I will start with the beginnings of his military career... 4 AD in Jerusalem.

I also envision Nudge... knowing already that Phix is knocked-up (she would have known by the third day) and waiting to see what transpires. She walks into 'Imbert and Smithers' (a gun shop from my youth) with Bud and asks Bob Smithers about shotguns... she wants to buy one and knows nothing about them. Trap, Skeet, hunting or home defence asks Bob. Something formal... I need it for a wedding responds Nudge.
Bob stands there momentarily stunned. Do you hear this, Dale? he asks Dale Imbert. Dale hobbles over (gout) and asks what do you have in mind exactly?
The bride is pregnant, the groom did propose, we just want to rile them a bit- they can take a joke, we do NOT want to shoot the silly thing
Dale- Have you ever fired a weapon before?
Nudge- no... but I DO know that there is a thing where you grab it that you pull and it goes bang
Dale- I am not comfortable selling you a firearm...
Bob- Dale, what about that old J.C. Higgins 16 gauge?
Dale- That thing is a train wreck! I don't even know why you bought it... it will never... oh (looks at Bud and Nudge)... Madam, I might have the VERY shotgun you are looking for!
Bob goes back into the work area and comes out with an old double with hammers- one barrel is blossomed.
Bud- is it SUPPOSED to look like that?
Dale- no, that one has been badly abused. It was not much of a gun when it was new, truth be told.
Bob- it isn't nitro-proofed- modern ammo is too potent for it
Bud- is that what happened?
Dale- no, he plugged the muzzels by tripping in a muddy field, then tried to shoot down a duck. See the bulge here? that was the first shot- the second one is where he blossomed this one
Nudge- (snerk) blossomed? that's what you call this? that's perfect... but can you try to return it to shape?
Dale- uh, no... but we CAN cut the damaged portion off and leave you with a 19" set of barrels
Bud- that would look cute
Bob and Dale look at her, then at each other
Nudge- what sort of ammo CAN this thing handle?
Bob- blanks?
Dale- maybe... but not 'Black Magics'. THOSE things actually recoil! Madam, I would catagorise this as a 'wall hanger'- perfectly fine for wedding photos and gathering dust over a fireplace... but if you put anything more potent than a firecracker inside of it, you do so at your own risk. And it's old enough that we do not need ATF paperwork on it.
Nudge- I love it- how much?
Bob- $45 for the shotgun, $35 for the bob job- $80 total
Nudge- sold- and I need somebody to show me how to handle this thing so I at least act like I know what I am doing
Dale- (pulls another shotgun off the rack- Bob takes the J.C.Higgens back to the work area) this is a Savage in 12 gauge- works the same way. This lever opens the breech (SNAK!) and here are the chambers where the ammo goes. You would stuff the shells in here, close it like this (SNAP!) and then you pull back the hammers (KLATCH! KLATCH!) and then you pull the trigger of the barrel you want to shoot
Nudge- wow... simple... (SNAK!) and this thing pulls the shells out, right?
Dale- excellent! yes, that's right... this little button by the trigger guard is the safety- it blocks the trigger. On your shotgun, there's a little tab right here on the back of the wrist that does the same thing
Bob comes back with the old shotgun- the barrels are shortened and crowned
Bud- see? I TOLD you it would look cute
Dale looks at the gun- huh, it DOES look cute...
Bob- go figure, eh?
Bud- can we get it painted white? it IS for a wedding...
Dale starts chorteling. Bob snickers a bit- naw, just use it as is. It'll be fine- $80 and tax, please

[MerchManDan]

I have to chuckle at the idea of a sawed-off shotgun wedding.

[Dave]

Bud should have known better. According to the most popular traditions in America, white is reserved for first weddings.

They could still get some very practical use out of that old beast, though. Do a CO2 cartridge conversion on it, fill it with bird-seed, and fire once at a 45-degree upwards angle as the happy couple exit from the church. Much better than throwing rice.

(I've never ceased thanking my wife for the fact that she let me "charge" the punch at our wedding reception with dry ice, so that it bubbled and steamed. Traditions are great, especially if you get to design a few yourself!)

[Sgt. Howard]

Bud should have known better. According to the most popular traditions in America, white is reserved for first weddings.

They could still get some very practical use out of that old beast, though. Do a CO2 cartridge conversion on it, fill it with bird-seed, and fire once at a 45-degree upwards angle as the happy couple exit from the church. Much better than throwing rice.

(I've never ceased thanking my wife for the fact that she let me "charge" the punch at our wedding reception with dry ice, so that it bubbled and steamed. Traditions are great, especially if you get to design a few yourself!)

Actually, 2/3 drams of ffg black powder with a thick wad and then fill the cup with bird seed... you have to use a roll crimp on an over-shot wad, or cut and star crimp the shell to 2 1/2" instead of 2 3/4" and forgo the thick wad- the alternative is to bore out the 'cones' of the chambers, inadvisable on a J.C Higgens of that vintage (Belgian damascus barrels, they do not mill well). The resulting load is a low-pressure pseudo projectile on black that the chamber is likely to handle- still deadly at close range, you want a crowd that is accustom to working around 'hard blanks' like Black Magics and the like.
Among other things, I am a competent gunsmith

[lake_wrangler]

Something just occurred to me, as I was going to bed:

Will Shelly now get to meet her grandfather?

I only found out that her Father's name is Brian a few days ago- the name or status of Grampa is unknown at this time... of course, Neil is her... "Step grandfather" ... pending...
Can't you just see the news being brought to Shelly- "You're gonna have a brand-new baby uncle or aunt!"

I forgot that Phix hadn't seen Neil in a long time, as of the beginning of your story... so in my head, after reading that last part, Neil was the grandpa, thinking that he had been around the last time Phix was pregnant...

[lake_wrangler]

...wow. Bravo, Sarge. That's a fantastic story.

(sniff) Ah jeez. Stupid mega-happy endings.

(Yep, I'm commenting as I read on, so there is a delay between the story posts and my comments...)
(sniff) I think there's "something in my eye"...

[Dave]

"Marry me," his voice was as firm and resolute as she had ever heard.
"... wha... what?"
"Marry me,"
Her eyes started to wet, her breath was a bit ragged, "... get up, you idiot..."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to barf all over you... "
He got up and stood before her. The whole diner collectively held their breath. She stood up, put her arms around his neck and said,
"Of course I'll marry you," and kissed him.

I just realized that the good Sarge revealed the true nature of the achievement here.

Neil had discovered the Elixer of Wife.

[Sgt. Howard]

"Marry me," his voice was as firm and resolute as she had ever heard.
"... wha... what?"
"Marry me,"
Her eyes started to wet, her breath was a bit ragged, "... get up, you idiot..."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to barf all over you... "
He got up and stood before her. The whole diner collectively held their breath. She stood up, put her arms around his neck and said,
"Of course I'll marry you," and kissed him.

I just realized that the good Sarge revealed the true nature of the achievement here.

Neil had discovered the Elixer of Wife.

Hey ANYBODY can bag a model, or a wealthy debutante, or heiress- how many can bag a SPHINX?

[TazManiac]

(I've never ceased thanking my wife for the fact that she let me "charge" the punch at our wedding reception with dry ice, so that it bubbled and steamed. Traditions are great, especially if you get to design a few yourself!)

Just as many over history have co-invented and re-invented many things, I invented the dry ice bomb, some forty years ago. Quite serendipitously, and quite surprisingly so...

[Sgt. Howard]

(I've never ceased thanking my wife for the fact that she let me "charge" the punch at our wedding reception with dry ice, so that it bubbled and steamed. Traditions are great, especially if you get to design a few yourself!)

Just as many over history have co-invented and re-invented many things, I invented the dry ice bomb, some forty years ago. Quite serendipitously, and quite surprisingly so...

... 45 years ago for me... how much damage did you do with yours? I put water in a capped-off pipe, capped the other end and set it in dry ice- twenty minutes later, I was picking iron bits and parts of the galvanized bucket out of the walls and had to repair a window.

[TazManiac]

Oh, no, nothing metallic- it was a (styrene?, no polyethylene I think), two liter pop bottle.

Good thing I didn't approach it too soon...("why isn't anything happening?")

(edited for typos...)

[Dave]

I think it's a wonder that so many of us, managed to grow up with so few missing parts. There seems to be a deep, almost mythically-powerful bond between late-teenage boyhood, and things that explode or spew flame or move very very fast. It's so pervasive that I almost suspect it's genetically based, although just why Proconsul or Australopithecus would have found loud violence to be a good thing isn't very clear.

If you want a really interesting read about things that go WHOOSH (when working as desired) and BOOM (when not), take a gander at this informal history of the development of rocket-fuel chemistry:

Ignition!

The idea of actually testing out a rocket engine process using butyl mercaptan as the fuel... wow. That must have been impressive to witness, in all the wrong ways.

Chlorine trifluoride as an oxidizer... hmmm. "It is of course extremely toxic, but that's the least of the problems. It is hypergolic with every known fuel, and so rapidly hypergolic that no ignition delay has ever been measured. It is also hypergolic with things such as cloth, wood, and test engineers, not to mention asbestos, sand, and water - with which it reacts explosively."

Just what baby wants for Christmas!

[TazManiac]

Sarge, sorry for hijacking your thread, . It got away from me...

[Sgt. Howard]

Sarge, sorry for hijacking your thread, . It got away from me...

... not to worry, you started talking about things that go BANG and the result was spontaneous and unanimous- this from the guy who made nitroglycerin as a freshman in high school and destroyed half the science building... and was banned from chemistry afterwards... they never proved it, but there was enough suspicion...

I suspect most of the readership here finds this sort of thing fascinating...

[Dave]

Sarge, sorry for hijacking your thread, . It got away from me...

... not to worry, you started talking about things that go BANG and the result was spontaneous and unanimous- this from the guy who made nitroglycerin as a freshman in high school and destroyed half the science building... and was banned from chemistry afterwards... they never proved it, but there was enough suspicion...

So jealous! I never got further than sprinkling nitrogen tri-iodide around the doors, and then arranging to drop about 20 pounds of keypunch and paper-tape chad on the senior class as they marched out of the auditorium during the final assembly.

[MerchManDan]

Chlorine trifluoride as an oxidizer... hmmm. "It is of course extremely toxic, but that's the least of the problems."

Oooh boy, here we go.

"It is hypergolic with every known fuel, and so rapidly hypergolic that no ignition delay has ever been measured. It is also hypergolic with things such as cloth, wood, and test engineers, not to mention asbestos, sand, and water - with which it reacts explosively."

Good grief. How does something like this even exist??

[DinkyInky]

Lovely thing, science. I once got even with a pack of bullying cheerleaders...

...I put AgNO3 in their shower supplies(shampoo, conditioner, toner)...right before a game.

Couldn't prove I did it, but those harpies never bothered my friends and I ever again.

On the subject of bang!, I once made a hole in a neighbour's garage using an old compact, some tinted talcum, a bit of perfume, and a sunny morning). She never insinuated my Mother didn't belong in the US again.

Lovely thing, science.

[DinkyInky]

On topic, great read...please write more.

[TazManiac]

(these are my peoples)