Pillsbury + 1 year:

[Hansontoons]

Uh, no.

Try this, instead.

That's a joke, I say that's joke son!

Being an Engineer, I appreciate the subtle nuances of the joke: the mystery of the first appearance of the individual and the unknown reason for carrying a bucket of that which is powerful and promotes growth. And then the reveal, a statement of purpose and belief that mimicking the normal habits of said creature will bestow the title and privileges. Classic.

Or, what you linked.

[jwhouk]

Actually it starts with-

"A hairlip, a hunchback and a Republican all walk into a bar..."

...He sits down and orders a drink.

[GlytchMeister]

{Thanks to Al and jwhouk}

Al had escorted Phix and Neil from the building – out the exterior door from his office rather than back out through the shop. He didn’t need to reboot his security officer twice in one day, and the poor girl was likely to run screaming if it happened again.

Settling back at his desk and computer, with a decent cup of filter press coffee in front of him, he began to go through the reporting on the back-shop projects. The larger the bureaucracy the more need for reporting, and Al was as-always overdue on his reports to MIB. With his value to their organization he could get away with it, but they were pestering him…again.

Opening the first file he began to peruse the lists of experimental procedures when his cell phone rang. Warren Zevon’s howling aria played until Al thumbed the accept button and held the phone to his ear.
“Jacob – good morning. Great to hear from you. What’s up?”

“Al, I need you out here – now or sooner. It’s your friend Glytch. He’s messing up my work schedules, interfering with my teams and causing chaos. I need you to straighten him out or there will be Glytchburger served for lunch today. “

“Oh, gods…what’s the idiot..no, he’s hardly an idiot – what’s he done now?”

“He’s going on about the ducts, and cleaning them, and matter transmission and stable radii of nuclei and mean distances between transported and non-transported items…I am catching exactly none of it but if this keeps up I am not going to get anything done – and we can’t spare the time. I need you here to short him out…now.”

“Oh bloody hell. I’m on my way.”

Securing his office computer Al turned off his office lights and bolted for the Vanquish, with a stop in Ari’s office to inform her of his whereabouts. Driving with a casual disregard for the speed limits got him back to the estate in a half-hour, and to the construction trailer in a few minutes more.

When he arrived pandemonium reigned in Jacob’s office. Glytch was explaining things as he always did – forty words to the second and explanations that might make sense to Richard Feynman but not to a normal mortal with a PhD in physics.

Jacob was there, sitting at his desk and holding his head in his hands. He was either trying to ignore Glytch or he had a really horrible headache – or both – till Al realized the truth.

Jacob’s marks were coming out. For one normally as environmentally aware as Glytch was he was being suicidally oblivious to Jacob – and this was going to get him killed.

“GLYTCH! GLYTCH, SHUT UP! Come with me. NOW.”

“But I was just trying to explain…”

NO. NOW. Otherwise I will not guarantee your safety. Jacob, take a few minutes and relax, and then we’ll talk. Come outside and grab us when you’re ready.”

Al hustled the young man out of the trailer, spun him around and pointed a callused finger straight between his eyes.

“You damn-near died in there! Jacob is one of the kindest, gentlest, most knowledgeable construction engineers I‘ve ever met – but he was about to go full-on dire wolf on you and shred you.”

“I knew he had his head down – I thought he was trying to concentrate on what I was saying-“

“No. he was holding it together – and losing his grip. Another five minutes and I would have been scraping you off the lawn – and I am NOT joking. Now, you are going to rein it in, figure out an explanation for what you want to do, and do it with MINIMAL disturbance to HIS crews and MY house. Do you understand me? This is NOT one of your experimental lab toys – it is my home and his worksite and not your private playground. Got it?”

Glytch's expression changed dramatically and rapidly, going from excited, cheerful, and with just a hint of the mad grin he had been sporting so often lately... To grim and serious. Even with half of the young man's face hidden under his hood, Al could tell something was up. Glytch spoke in a slightly lower, deadly calm voice. "Al, at no point was I playing with your hearth, home, and workplace. I am not playing, nor do I play with anything in my lab or anything else that involves something as serious as this. I'm dealing with technology that, if improperly used, could cause a nuclear fusion reaction of elements heavier than iron - I could easily create an explosion on par with a supernova with the VORP system. As a matter of fact, I am doing everything in my power to keep that from happening... Along with about six hundred thousand other bad outcomes. I am avoiding that by cleaning your air vents before VORPing in the equipment and cables the band and I need. I can do that by VORPing the dust and grime right out of your vents manually. I just need to get good measurements of the vents and inspect them for dents to keep the teleportation from cutting holes out of the vents. Once I get those, I'll be out of everyone's hair. I can do everything else from the blueprints and plans available in the Library."

Al was pleased - he'd gotten through. " Very good. Figure out what you want to do, what you have to do and how to do it as unobtrusively as possible. He’ll be out in a few minutes.”

Glytch nodded and composed himself. Kromwulf wanted laconic? Fine. He would be absolutely spartan.

Kronwulf left the trailer, having collected himself. The only hint of any remaining stress was in a slight tightening of the skin around his eyes. He looked to Al first. "Did you get him under control?"
"Yes. Certainly. Glytch?" Al turned to the hooded youth and waited.
"I need accurate measurements of the vents and to check for dents. I will work around your workers. Tell me when and where I can work, and when to move, so I can stay out of the way. I will use a small remote-controlled toy and a small camera to check for dents."
Kromwulf nodded, clearly relieved. "I will give you the shift rotations so you know where to avoid and when. When will the... Cleaning have to occur?"
"It will happen in an instant, and I won't even have to be on-site."
"Good."

The crisis resolved, the three men parted ways - Al to Building 2, Kronwulf to his trailer, and Glytch to the nearest Walmart to get what he needed.

Right before he took a cart to head into the Wal-Mart, Glytch heard the unmistakable sound of a POIT behind him.

"Do NOT get extra CAT-30 Cables, you MORON!" May took a large purse she had with her and smacked him upside the head with it.

Before Glytch could say anything, she had disappeared in a separate POIT. Glytch stared, rubbing the back of his head, wide-eyed and completely baffled. "Whuh... What?"

[Dave]

Cat-30?!? Your comms are going superluminal, Glytch?

[Warrl]

Amazing. A bit, throw-away character that was supposed to be a "Big Bad" in the first draft of an original story... and now?

And heck, what I'm starting with a characters who has, to date, gotten a total of twelve words... and that's counting generously...

[GlytchMeister]

Cat-30?!? Your comms are going superluminal, Glytch?

That was jwhouk's bit.

Either way... Maybe. I am dealing with Lanthian and similar tech...

[Just Old Al]

Cat-30?!? Your comms are going superluminal, Glytch?

That was jwhouk's bit.

Either way... Maybe. I am dealing with Lanthian and similar tech...

Cat-30 - Monomolecular superconducting cables. Hair-thin, no loss. Sheathed in PET swo you don't cut your fingers off handling it. Close cousin to Niven Industries Sinclair monofilament.

186,000 miles/second - not just a good idea - it's the law!

[DinkyInky]

Right before he took a cart to head into the Wal-Mart, Glytch heard the unmistakable sound of a POIT behind him.

"Do NOT get extra CAT-30 Cables, you MORON!" May took a large purse she had with her and smacked him upside the head with it.

Before Glytch could say anything, she had disappeared in a separate POIT.

Ahhhh....the old '{Asian Mama tactic'}....bracketed that way so they cannot even for a second misconstrue my meaning and think to smack me(Mother did that to me every time if forgot to agree with anyone that said we were sisters).

[Warrl]

186,000 miles/second - not just a good idea - it's the law!

More precisely, 186,300 miles/second. And there's nothing in the physics stopping something from going faster than that... the catch being, it can never, even for an instant, go at exactly that speed (because its mass would be infinite).

And since we're talking about the speed of light in a glass fiber, not a vacuum, it's only about 124,200 miles/second. Heh, "only"...

[GlytchMeister]

Um. There's plenty in physics to stop it from going faster than that... Because to accelerate anything to that speed would require an infinite amount of energy.

Going past the universal speed limit would take an even larger infinite amount of energy. And yes, one infinity can indeed be greater than another. It's a weird thing that involves a bunch of calculus that I'm really rusty on, but it's true.

[Dave]

Um. There's plenty in physics to stop it from going faster than that... Because to accelerate anything to that speed would require an infinite amount of energy.

Going past the universal speed limit would take an even larger infinite amount of energy. And yes, one infinity can indeed be greater than another. It's a weird thing that involves a bunch of calculus that I'm really rusty on, but it's true.

There has long been the concept of a tachyon... a particle whose rest mass is an imaginary number. Tachyons would be able to travel faster than lightspeed. In fact, they would have to do so... attempting to slow a tachyon down to, and below lightspeed would require the same use of infinite amounts of energy that you mention.

They're a valid mathematical solution to Einstein's equations involving mass, energy, and speed, just as "ordinary" matter particles are. However, no one has ever detected one. It's quite possible that tachyons don't exist... that this solution to Einstein's math doesn't actually correspond to something in the physical Universe.

Another quirk of Einstein's equations involving mass, energy, speed, and time, is that any form of faster-than-light transmission (of objects or information) would imply the existence of closed time-like paths in spacetime... in other words, time travel. This possibility makes physicists and philosophers nervous. It's seen by some as a reason to believe that tachyons either don't exist at all, or (if they do) exist in a domain that cannot ever interact at all with normal "slower than light" matter.

Thanks for reminding me about the multiple classes of infinity... it's been decades since I learned about those back in my "Analysis Of Reals" class in college.

[Just Old Al]

Accountants.....

[jwhouk]

All this because I wanted to have May go all Ruth Buzzi on Glytch....

[FreeFlier]

Um. There's plenty in physics to stop it from going faster than that... Because to accelerate anything to that speed would require an infinite amount of energy.

Going past the universal speed limit would take an even larger infinite amount of energy. And yes, one infinity can indeed be greater than another. It's a weird thing that involves a bunch of calculus that I'm really rusty on, but it's true.

There has long been the concept of a tachyon... a particle whose rest mass is an imaginary number. Tachyons would be able to travel faster than lightspeed. In fact, they would have to do so... attempting to slow a tachyon down to, and below lightspeed would require the same use of infinite amounts of energy that you mention.

They're a valid mathematical solution to Einstein's equations involving mass, energy, and speed, just as "ordinary" matter particles are. However, no one has ever detected one. It's quite possible that tachyons don't exist... that this solution to Einstein's math doesn't actually correspond to something in the physical Universe.

Another quirk of Einstein's equations involving mass, energy, speed, and time, is that any form of faster-than-light transmission (of objects or information) would imply the existence of closed time-like paths in spacetime... in other words, time travel. This possibility makes physicists and philosophers nervous. It's seen by some as a reason to believe that tachyons either don't exist at all, or (if they do) exist in a domain that cannot ever interact at all with normal "slower than light" matter.

Thanks for reminding me about the multiple classes of infinity... it's been decades since I learned about those back in my "Analysis Of Reals" class in college.

There are also theories that suggest a quantum shift across the lightspeed barrier may be possible . . . that is, that a particle may have an abrupt jump from one speed to another without ever being at an in-between speed. I don't really understand this, but AFAIK electrons in an atom can do something similar with their energy states.

This doesn't mean that it actually is possible, nor that we know how to do it, just that strange things happen in this kind of physics.

--FreeFlier

[Just Old Al]

And now back to the story - take it over to the bar, guys....

Food, food and more food.

Daisy and Rosalita were sitting on stools in the kitchen, steaming mugs at their elbows, and discussing food.

Specifically – how to feed a paranormal party.

Carnivores, omnivores, vegetarians, vegans, food sensitivities, all natural…the list of issues was endless. And how do you keep one from getting into the other’s chow and getting sick or at a minimum disgusted?

“OK, let’s go over the list.

First off, nothing with preservatives unless it doesn’t exist any other way. This covers us on the candy and bowls of snacks – put those in red bowls to warn people off. If Eme or Safyr get into the M&Ms that’s their own fault. Better yet, let’s just get SunDrops or something – organic and no problem with chemicals.

Two tables – General and carnivore. Keep the meats and meat products separate from the general consumption items. This will make it easier to deal with sanitation anyway – we’ll just have to keep things separated…ooo, tablecloth colors. Red for the carnivore table.”

“Yes, ma’am. Good thought.” Rosalita took a note on her tablet.

“Damn…sanguinarians. That’s not going to be easy.”

“All set. Last time Miss Lily and her partner were here I talked to them and got the place they like for take-out. I figure a couple of liters delivered will hold them for whatever they might want.”

“Damn! Remind me to give you a raise. Perfect – we can just keep it on ice at the bar and they can get it there.” Another note on Daisy’s scratchpad, then to the next subject.

“OK, where were we? Plates, glasses, silverware – all coming from the rental place. Ditto the linens and such – not worth doing anything else. Safer than having the good dishes out, or trying to wash at the party.”

“Already set. When you and Señor Al started talking about this I called them and reserved everything. Considering that’s their busy season I thought it best to get all that done in advance.”

Daisy pursed her lips and frowned. “What about help? We’re going to need servers, bussers and staff. We can’t go to a caterer for this for obvious reasons - with the company types we had that wasn't a problem, but not with this crowd.”

“Simple – I called over to Gryphon – I knew they had a culinary arts course there, and talked to the professors there. They agreed to pitch the kids and find us a half-dozen or so of the seniors who want to make some money – we set them up as waitstaff and maybe get in a few more as line help.”

“Good call! That solves that – we’re good.” Daisy scratched “staff” off her list.

The planning went on.

[GlytchMeister]

Glytch fiddled with the joystick on the controller as he stared at a tiny tv in the trunk of the FrankenStratus. A small tree branch propped the trunk open, and Glytch stood, his breath steaming, as he remotely piloted the tiny quad-rotor drone through the air ducts of the massive house, referring frequently to a set of blueprints spread out on a cheap card table next to him. Navigating the house's hallways and rooms was already difficult... Making his way through the labyrinthine HVAC ductwork was even more challenging.
The drone had a small button-hole camera from MIB tied to it with fishing line, along with a pair of cheap laser pointers and a bit of a plastic coffee stirring straw cut to precisely one centimeter. The lasers were angled to intersect at precisely ten centimeters in front of the straw, which was placed in full view of the camera.

With this setup, Glytch recorded every dent and bump in the ducts as well as calculated their size, shape, and location in the house.

It was tedious business, and Glytch had been at it for longer than would have liked... But Kronwulf was so happy to hear Glytch only needed to be near the house to get his measurements, and promptly reserved a parking space for Glytch. Out in the open... With no windbreaks or shelter from the bitingly cold wind. Kronwulf's wicked little grin had died somewhat, however, when he next saw Glytch, outfitted in his best winter gear, sitting on a camp chair and drinking hot chocolate, looking as comfortable as he would have been had he been given the construction trailer.

Fortunately, Glytch was just now finishing this stage of the plan. Making note of one last irregularity in his notebook, and guided the drone to an empty portion of the house and landed it just behind a vent. Once everything was shut down, Glytch closed the trunk and trooped inside to retrieve the drone.

Rosalita did a double-take at Glytch as he passed by, his face covered by two masks and red snowboarding goggles, his heavy winter boots clopping almost like hooves on the floor.
"Hot chocolate, señor Glytch?"
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Make it double strong, please."

A couple days later, Kronwulf was walking through a hallway when he heard a strange humming sound. It was almost like... An extended, stretched-out VORP... And it was moving, at speed, through the ductwork, up and down and back and forth. It went so fast the pitch of the sound was rising and falling as the source moved around, rising as it came close, falling as it moved away. It continued for about five minutes before abruptly stopping.

The house was deathly silent for a heartbeat before the workers stopped staring at the walls and returned to their tasks.

Kronwulf took out a penlight and shined it into a vent, peeking between the slats of metal. As he suspected, the duct was now spotlessly clean and rather shiny.

Several days later, Glytch stood with his hands on his hips, looking at the ugly monstrosity of wood and metal that stood before him at his lab at MIB. Glytch, however, didn't see a senseless tangle of wood, but rather an extremely accurate functional mock-up of the portions of the Old Castle Alexander that would be effected by Glytch's contribution to the surprise party. Ply board and two by fours were used to make all of the ducts, floors, walls, and ceilings. A circuit breaker board, exactly like the one at the Castle, was installed at the corresponding location in the mock-up's basement section. A second full mock-up of the Castle stood behind him... But this one had all of the additions and modifications.
Brushing off some sawdust, Glytch raised his voice to the nervous band members on one of the stages. "Are you guys ready?"
"No!" Geoff, a lanky man with a shaven head and a closely groomed goatee, retorted petulantly, even as he strummed gently on his bass guitar. "Why do we have to be the Guinea pigs?"
"I moved past Guinea pigs a long time ago."
Geoff wasn't sure how to respond to that, and elected to remain silent.
Rachel, on guitar, shrugged. "What happens, happens. Relax, man." She absently blew a string of long blond hair out from in front of her face.
"You'd better not mess up my Guarneri, Glytch, or I'll re-string your bow with your own guts." A heavily tatooed woman with a coarse voice and half of her blue-black hair hair buzzed short growled as she sat down heavily to open up her violin case. Her fingers moved gently and lovingly, in stark contrast to the rest of her behavior, as she touched the legendary old instrument.
"Duly noted, Xera." Glytch inclined his head respectfully, hiding a smile.
"Let's just get this over with. The longer we wait, the more nervous I'm gonna get." Bob, almost completely hidden behind his drum set, impatiently tapped a drumstick against the rim of a snare.
"I agree Bob. Time's a-wastin'. Say the word and I'll fire it up."
The band members looked at one another with barely concealed mirth as they got their instruments ready. Xera jerked her chin upward at Glytch. "Go, mister evil genius."
Glytch nodded and typed the command into his phone.

VVVVORP!

The air shuddered as the teleport occurred, moving the band and all of the equipment for the music and the light show moved from one model of the Castle to the other in an instant.
Almost before the teleport was finished, the band began to play their version of Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. Xera's violin was at once delicate and intense, hauntingly beautiful as she caressed the strings with her bow, taking the place of the vocal part of the song. All of the lights began to pulse in time with the beat they sensed from the music, and Glytch's DJ equipment turned on and idled expectantly, dutifully awaiting input.

Everything was working perfectly.

[Sgt. Howard]

Here they are, Folks!

[GlytchMeister]

...Sarge, are you wearing flats???

Or is that a type of shoe I just don't know about? That is rather common, come to think of it. My shoe vocabulary is rather limited.

[GlytchMeister]

On a whim, Glytch jogged up to his station and pulled up a karaoke version of the song and began to fiddle with it, remixing it, cutting and rearranging it freestyle until he liked what he heard, then let it play through the array of speakers. Xera grinned and flawlessly switched her own tempo to match. The other band members caught up so fast Glytch hardly noticed. The addition of the remixed, dubsteppy background of the original song served as a powerful contrast to the relatively simple music the four-person team was creating, and gave the song a peculiar sort of drop that gave Glytch goosebumps. Rachel stepped forward and began a freestyle solo, competing for attention with Xera. The violinist begrudgingly fell into a background role, a playful smirk on her face. She glanced at Geoff, who nodded and switched up his own line, jamming with a resurgent Xera just as Rachel hit a lull in her solo, and Glytch began to play with the bass lines of the background music to complement the bassist and the violinist. Finally, Bob, inspired by everyone fighting for the adoration of the imaginary audience, struck up his own freestyle beat, and Rachel joined with him, breaking the hold Glytch, Geoff, and Xera had on the song, finishing it off just as Xera made the last strokes of her bow.
"You gotta jam with us more often, Glytch. That was wicked!" Rachel flipped her hair back with a toss of her head.
"Yeah, did you just make that remix? Not bad for on the fly." Xera carefully set down her Guarneri and walked over to inspect the slicing and dicing Glytch had done to the song. "There was a bit you kinda mangled up around... Yeah, right here... that we had to cover up, but for the most part it was pretty good. Why haven't I seen your albums topping the charts?"
Glytch shrugged. "I'm not in it for fame or anything. It's just a hobby. Besides, it doesn't give steady pay. I'm much better off a programmer or an engineer with diverse artistic hobbies. And besides, the programming and the engineering is fun too."
"Yeah, I heard you have all kinds of fun with computers and machines," Bob said as he extricated himself from the drum set. "Music, I've found, tends to be a little safer. If it wasn't for Xera, it'd probably be much safer."
paff! Xera smacked the back of Bob's head with an open hand.
"Aiee! Hey, not so hard!"
"Cmon, guys, let's grab some burgers, on me." Glytch led the way out of his lab.

[Sgt. Howard]

...Sarge, are you wearing flats???

Or is that a type of shoe I just don't know about? That is rather common, come to think of it. My shoe vocabulary is rather limited.

Them's is my waterproofs- pretty common in snow country. Green sole and toe with tan treated leather uppers