Bad jokes

[Fairportfan]

A song to get us in the mood...

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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Three bearded me, all wearing turbans, walk into a bar.

"What is this," the bartender asks, "Some Kind of Sikh joke?"

[Typeminer]

A Higgs boson walked into a bar, saw a priest having a beer, and went over to introduce himself.

"Thank God you're here," said the priest. "Now we can have Mass!"

[shadowinthelight]

Two men walk into a bar, a third man ducks.

[Dave]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[Jabberwonky]

A bunch of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type in here.’

[Fairportfan]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.

After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.

A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to herself happily as she now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

{from this page}

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff. Ba-dum ching.

Did you hear about the Aggie who was fired from the construction site? He kept throwing away all the nails with the head on the wrong end. After all, everyone knows... those are for the other side!

An alcoholic fell off the bandwagon and got himself blitzed. When he returned in the wee hours of the morning, his wife confronted him about it. He claimed he was sick, so she sent him to the doctor's office in the morning. The doctor, of course, make the proper diagnosis of 'your're a drunken mess' and sent him out of his office. Not knowing what to tell his wife, he passed a music shop and saw the word 'syncopation'. He thought to himself 'of course! I'll tell 'er I got syncopation!'. So when he came home and pronounced his diagnosis, she was quite frightened... enough so that she looked the word up. Of course, she was less than thrilled when his excuse also tattled on him...

Syncopation: An irregular beat from bar to bar

A proton was feeling sad and lonely all by itself, so along comes a physicist who asks it what it is going to do. 'I am going to sit here and wait, eventually an electron will be attracted to me!'. The physicist asks 'are you sure?' Quoth the proton: "I'm Positive!"

[DinkyInky]

*facepalm*

There is not...I mean...Dear God Fairport! Do you even realise what sort of monster...

*wanders off babbling about the end of sanity*

[jwhouk]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Heh.

Heh hee hee hee hee.

Hee eheheeehehheeeeeehehhee

HA HA HA HA HA AHA HAAHAAHAA

(drops dead)

[Julie]

Why should you never play hide-and-seek with a pokémon? Because it will pikachu.

[Atomic]

Pessimist: Things can't possibly get any worse.

Optomist: Why, of course they can!

[Fairportfan]

"Never play leapfrog with a porcupine."

[bmonk]

Define perfect pitch.

A: Throwing a viola/oboe/bagpipe into a dumpster without hitting a side. (With the bagpipe, you must also throw it so it makes no sound.)

[Fairportfan]

"Never play leapfrog with a porcupine."

...or a unicorn, which i just remembered was the original line.

[MerchManDan]

A priest, a lesbian and a frog enter a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

A police officer pulls over a physicist. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the officer. "No," says the physicist, "but I know exactly where I am!"

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary, and those who don't.

[Mark N]

Pessimist: Things can't possibly get any worse.

Optomist: Why, of course they can!

I prefer the variation of that one:

An optimist sits and says "Theses are the best of times." The pessimist fears that this is true.

[Opus the Poet]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Heh.

Heh hee hee hee hee.

Hee eheheeehehheeeeeehehhee

HA HA HA HA HA AHA HAAHAAHAA

(drops dead)

I dunno, Google Translate didn't think it was all that funny, about 43% of the words were untranslatable.

[Typeminer]

What's the difference between Catholics and Mennonites?

Catholics recognize the authority of the pope in matters of theology and liturgy.

Mennonites don't recognize each other in line at the liquor store.

[Told by a lapsed Mennonite on camping trip, who brought the whiskey and cigars, to the lapsed Catholics who brought the wine and beer]

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Heh.

Heh hee hee hee hee.

Hee eheheeehehheeeeeehehhee

HA HA HA HA HA AHA HAAHAAHAA

(drops dead)

I dunno, Google Translate didn't think it was all that funny, about 43% of the words were untranslatable.

Reference Point

[DinkyInky]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Heh.

Heh hee hee hee hee.

Hee eheheeehehheeeeeehehhee

HA HA HA HA HA AHA HAAHAAHAA

(drops dead)

*gives Dave and jwhouk internet cookies for the Circus reference*