Has anyone here lost a parent unexpectedly?

[chibichibi01]

I need help on how to cope. Daddy.... I lost him this past Saturday morning. He had a pulmonary embolism in his sleep. Everyday i keep waking up and thinking that it was all just some horrid nightmare and then I see the posts on Facebook and it breaks my heart all over again.

If anyone can help me cope better, please. I need it.

[Dave11]

I haven't had that experience, but I can imagine what you're going through (had a bad scare with Mom a while back). The only advice I can offer is to not close off from others. Spend time with friends and (especially) family. "Shared Pain is Lessened" is a quote from Spider Robinson that is the only constructive thing that comes to mind. Find someone you can talk to (by which I mean "babble at" - the goal is not conversation, but to unload some of the painful thoughts to a sympathetic ear).

You have my condolences and best wishes.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Ouch.

I suppose part of it would depend on your own religious beliefs. As far as mine? It's not 'good bye' it's 'see ya later'. But here's some things that helped me when my grandfather suddenly passed

1) Remember the good times. Your father left a legacy. Cherish it. Remember everything he did that made your childhood special.

2) Never underestimate the healing power of a good cry. Nothing to be ashamed about here.

3) You aren't alone. You have friends, other family members and relatives... reach out and hug someone.

You know, down Nawlin's way, they hold a party for such occasions. A celebration of everything that person accomplished, the positive impacts they had on their surroundings, all the good that was done, and how the world is just a little bit better off for having had him here.

There's some songs I could suggest... "Heaven was Needing a Hero", that kind of thing... but really, my advice would be to find a friend or family member, and let it all out.

[Jabberwonky]

Not quite what you are going though. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in December and gone by the next July.

Follow the advice already given, there's someone in your life that you can tell anything to. Let them be the shoulder you cry on. Let it out, trust that from someone that hasn't.

And that fucking iPod just started 'Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M.

Find a way to release it.

I'll send you good thoughts through the ether.

[DinkyInky]

My mother is originally from Korea, which has a nickname of, "The Land of the Morning Calm". When someone dear dies, they wear white, as a sign of grief, and for bringing peace to them, and the departed soul. They also place White Chrysanthemums over a remembrance altar, where incense is also burned. Burning incense is believed to banish the unclean spirits and refresh the body and soul, linking the latter to Heaven.

She always wore white to a funeral, which seemed to upset some of our relatives. I asked her why she did so, and was given the above answer. Upon hearing this, I never wore Black to a funeral ever again. My Mother added a step to this, by making us talk about the good memories we have of them. I choose to remember the good times, and celebrate the life that brought me these joyous memories, and by doing so, honour and cherish the life of our lost loved ones.

My deepest of sympathies to you, and may you find Peace and Tranquility that remembering the good things and good times spent with him will bring.

[bmonk]

My sympathy to you and your family. Especially to have no time to prepare for the loss.

These suggestions are all good--to repeat: cry as needed, share memories, share grief. As you are ready for them.

Don't listen to people who try to tell you what you need.

Remember the stages of grief that will happen in their own times: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance (in no specific order). They will probably come and go over time.

Try not to feel guilty for living, or for enjoying life.

[Dave]

My sympathy to you and your family. Especially to have no time to prepare for the loss.

These suggestions are all good--to repeat: cry as needed, share memories, share grief. As you are ready for them.

Don't listen to people who try to tell you what you need.

Remember the stages of grief that will happen in their own times: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance (in no specific order). They will probably come and go over time.

Try not to feel guilty for living, or for enjoying life.

What he said.

It can help to try to remember the good times that you had with your dad. Those times and experiences have shaped who you are today... and so he'll always be with you in that way at least. Although he is gone, he is not lost.

May your sorrow soon be healed.

[jwhouk]

As one who has, I only say two things:

Do not get bitter, or blame or beat yourself up over it. You are not the reason why he died, and you could not have done anything, realistically, to prevent it.

Do not be afraid to cry or lean on people. Also, don't think that you *have* to act or be a certain way because of his death. You're you, and you're alive. The best thing to do is to live your life. Yes, there are hassles and yes, there is a hole in your life. It will be filled - not necessarily completely, but it will be filled - because you are still alive.

My deep condolences.

From someone who lost his mother at age 13.

[Danzier]

I just lost my Dad three weeks ago. We found out he had cancer at Christmas, and then found out it was a previously unknown type, and the doctors didn't even know what to do.

I don't have any answers for you. I don't know any more about how to deal with this than anyone else. Probably less. It hurts. Everything reminds me of him, of things that were great, of things I was going to ask him later, and occasionally of things I never knew and am just now learning.

Sympathy and empathy to you, your family, and friends.

[shadowinthelight]

The loss of someone is always sad to hear. I haven't lost a parent but my grandfather passed a few months ago. It shocked everyone because he had actually seemed to be improving. The only advise I can give is to agree with focusing on and sharing the good times with friends and family. Time alone does not heal all wounds, happiness takes effort. Sharing with others helps lighten the load immensely.

[chibichibi01]

Thanks to all of you for this. It feels terrible because I can function and act like nothing happened... for the most part.

The Funeral was on Tuesday and right now I can talk about it without bursting into tears. It doesn't feel right to have... moved on so quickly. Though I have a feeling I'll be blubbering at weird times over the next few months as I find things that remind me of him.

I've definitely come into the anger part a few times. Not at him, but the people that pretend to have known him and now want to be my "friend." Not to mention the people who tell me he's happier now. Fuck that. He was happy here on earth with his family and his job. He's not happier in some mystical afterlife of fun and games. If there is an afterlife (and I'm a deist so no one's convinced me there is) he'd be sad that he has to be away from us, and wishing us the longest lives we can have even though he misses us like we me him.

Gruh. Sorry. Usually I'm more religiously tolerant.

[Julie]

Thanks to all of you for this. It feels terrible because I can function and act like nothing happened... for the most part.

The Funeral was on Tuesday and right now I can talk about it without bursting into tears. It doesn't feel right to have... moved on so quickly.

It's not that you've "moved on." There's just a point where you hit a kind of exterior numbness that allows you to function normally (though oftentimes it can be more like autopilot than "normal"). I'm not speaking from experience with regards to the loss of a parent (since mine are both still alive for now), but between the ages of 11 and 14 I lost more than 20 friends and family members, so I became very well versed in how my body handled grief.

I've definitely come into the anger part a few times. Not at him, but the people that pretend to have known him and now want to be my "friend." Not to mention the people who tell me he's happier now. Fuck that. He was happy here on earth with his family and his job. He's not happier in some mystical afterlife of fun and games. If there is an afterlife (and I'm a deist so no one's convinced me there is) he'd be sad that he has to be away from us, and wishing us the longest lives we can have even though he misses us like we me him.

Gruh. Sorry. Usually I'm more religiously tolerant.

Unfortunately, while some people find their religion to be comforting in times of personal loss, I've found that when people try to use their faith to comfort others, it's a huge mistake that breeds more anger and hurt than just saying "I'm sorry for your loss" and offering a shoulder to cry on. Your anger is definitely understandable, and given your circumstances, I'd say you're allowed to be less tolerant than usual. *hugs*

[bmonk]

I don't have any answers for you. I don't know any more about how to deal with this than anyone else. Probably less. It hurts. Everything reminds me of him, of things that were great, of things I was going to ask him later, and occasionally of things I never knew and am just now learning.

This is so true. Nobody has any real answers. But we will be here for you, and we pray that there will be real life persons--flesh and blood--who are there for you when you need them.

[Graybeard]

Been there, done that (right at Christmas time), hurts like **** -- and this despite the fact that my relationship with my suddenly-deceased father could charitably be described as "bumpy".

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer for you, because there are so many variations in family situations and dynamics. However, there are probably a few general suggestions that are semi-independent of those variations. One is to try to strike your own personal balance between seeking refuge from the pain by getting back to your life-routine, on the one hand, and accepting that you're going to need time to heal and making time and space for the process, on the other. The balance point adopted successfully by others will not necessarily be right for you. It's important, though, not to veer too wildly toward one extreme or the other, unless your family dynamic is very unusual. (Mine was, and it still wasn't right to go off either deep end.) A bit of introspection from time to time, to ask yourself whether you are indeed avoiding the hyperactivity/shutdown extremes, is a valuable thing.

Second: When you do get back to your routine, accept that you're going to be functioning at reduced efficiency for a while, and don't kick yourself because it's so, but at the same time, don't intentionally extend that period of reduced efficiency beyond what's necessary and reasonable. In all likelihood you have NOT moved on yet, nor should you be expected to have done so, but you're getting moving. This is a good thing, and acceptance of the fact that the process will take time will save you some problems later. What's your job/school/etc. situation? If it's a healthy one, those around you will understand, and be patient with you as you work it all out.

Third, and VERY important: It is nigh unto certain that someone will say something to you, absolutely with the best of possible intentions, that makes your emotional state worse. (Clash of religious views is one likely perpetrator of this, but there are abundant other causes as well.) Accept that, and cut 'em a break; again, there is no one-size-fits-all way to comfort someone who's been bereaved, just as there is no universal way to work through the loss oneself. Durn few people actually try to say something hurtful to a friend or acquaintance who has sustained loss, and they're usually pathological enough before the loss occurs that you can see it coming. With everyone else, any pain they cause you will be from well-intentioned things that blow up in your (and their) face. Keep in mind the attempt to be comforting, even if the effect seems to be otherwise. This was very important in my situation, and I very much appreciated the efforts of one family friend who caused me to recognize this point, even if it took a while to penetrate my thick skull.

E-hugs, and if you want to talk more, drop me a PM. We're with you here.

[chibichibi01]

My rl friends are a great help, but you guys... None of them has lost a parent, so they don't understand really what's going on. Ya'll do. That is is big help just by itself.

Everything you guys have said means worlds to me and it helps me cope and feel better.

Thank you <3