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Bad Jokes II

Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 11:44 pm
by shadowinthelight
Rather than raise the first thread from the dead...

These are originals that popped into my head today:

Did you hear about the online pottery store that shut down because they didn't get any business? It was www.e-bowla.com.

Why do lesbians write exclusively in pencil? Because pen is bad.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:40 am
by Atomic
It seems a very opinionated young couple are in need of a doctor for their baby to be, and they check out a list of local obstetricians. Unfortunately, even though they live near a large city, it seems none of the available White American doctors have room in their schedule for them. Obviously, Black doctors are out of the question, as are Italians (Catholic), Hispanics (ditto), and of course, Chinese, Japanese, and Irish. Frustrated, they call a family meeting of parents and In-Laws to try and sort out the problem.

"Say what you will about the Jews," ventures a grandfather, "they know their business. It would do in a pinch."

"I hear the Indians are pretty good, too," offers a Mother-in-law, "even if they are on the dark side."

"Technically, Indians are Caucasian," notes the young mother, "so they've got that going for them. And, chicken marsala is pretty tasty."

The Mother-in-law nods as the crowd generally approves.

"I'm thinking maybe a German," says the other grandfather. "They've been in the doctor business a long time, too."

"Wait a minute!" says the young father. "I think I've got just the guy then. Yep! Right here on the list of Obstetricians!"

"Which one?" asks his wife.

"Gupta von Greenbaum!"

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:51 am
by ActionKermit
Last night it was so cold I saw a chicken with a cape on.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:14 pm
by shadowinthelight
People keep declaring "Jesus is coming!"

Is he some sort of tantric master?

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:12 pm
by TazManiac
Those are pretty bad, but I'm sure we can do worse...

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 5:04 pm
by Alkarii
I was chatting with a coworker not too long ago about how arcades have gone the way of VHS tapes, and how this area needs a dave and buster's, which is like a Chuck E. Cheese's, except much better, and apparently for adults (since you only see adults in the commercials).

I then said this:

"Chuck E. Cheese's is where dead dreams go to have their abortions."

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 1:44 am
by Jabberwonky
Bave & Duster's is a family friendly kind of place, but they do serve alcohol to those with proper ID. It can be a fun place to have a meal and do some arcade games, or ticket games if you prefer.
Houston is rife with "Game Rooms' at small out of the way strip centers. But on investigation, I was disappointed to find out they're full of quasi-legal video slot machines. There's some way to redeem what you win into prizes and/or cash. They're legal in some fashion, but they get busted for illegal gambling alla time...

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 3:35 am
by shadowinthelight
Why does disease spread so quickly in Deutschland?

Because of all the germ men.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 8:03 am
by Atomic
One fine day, Roy, a mountain man, decides it's finally time to propose to the light of his life, Sue. It had been a long time coming, and Sue new it too! Why, she'd even heard Roy had got some new shoes and such from mail order, and it was in on the stagecoach just yesterday. She had to be ready, and headed off to the general store for some new hair ribbons, and maybe even had enough time to make a new skirt.

Roy was happy to have those new shoes. He wanted to look his best when he proposed. His coat was in good shape, pants were fair, and some nice shiny shoes were just the thing to have. Why, they fit and everything right out of the box from Monkey Wards! So, he got dressed, slicked back his hair, and slapped on some bear grease to polish up those shoes.

Town was only a few miles away and it wasn't long before he was mostly down the mountain getting toward the flat land and the road leading to Sue. He stopped to pick some wild flowers near a stream while his horse took a drink. He really wanted to make a good impression.

Unfortunately, a wildcat was nearby, and if there's one thing that drives a wildcat wild, it's the smell of bear grease! Poor old Roy was bent over picking flowers when the wildcat went straight for him! And those new shoes!

It was a terrible tussle. Fangs and claws, snarls and shouts, fists and knife, end over end tumbling down into the stream where the wildcat finally met it's match.

Roy hauled his sore and battered self up out of the stream and sat on a nearby log to recover. It was a good sized wildcat and the pelt would be worth some decent money, but he was a mess. His coat and pants were ripped, blood everywhere, some good size scratches on his face and arms, and his shoes were gashed up from getting dragged through the rocks and clawed by the wildcat.

There was only one thing to do. Roy skinned the wildcat, gathered up his horse, and headed to town. He was still bleeding a bit, and maybe the doctor could stitch up his arm.

Word traveled fast when they saw Roy coming down off the mountain. Only one person came from that direction, and most everybody had been rooting for Roy and Sue to get hitched. Sue got ready and waited on the front porch.

Down the road through town came Roy on his fine steed. With head held high, hat even, tattered coat smoothed where he could, and a kerchief tied around his bleeding arm, the townsfolk saw him and that wildcat pelt draped across his lap, and knew what happened.

Sue saw it too. There he was, the man of her dreams, fresh from battle, a hand full of wild flowers, wearing what was left of the best he had, and doing it all for her. She stood to face him as he got down from his horse. There was only one thing she could do.

She pointed to the pelt and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 6:20 pm
by Jabberwonky
And I was singing it by the time I got to Roy. .
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:53 am
by Julie
My current favorite:

What is the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

:lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:44 pm
by GlytchMeister
Atomic wrote:(long joke)
That sounds like one of those songs where it isn't really singing, just a guy telling a story with a band playing in the background.
Like certain parts of "One Bourban, One Scotch, One Beer". Just take out all the choruses, I guess.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:20 pm
by TazManiac
I feel both bad for myself and shstupid at the same time; Atomic put in a lot of typing and I ended up with a big *whoosh!* over my head.

< sad face emoticon. >

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:33 pm
by MerchManDan
TazManiac wrote:I feel both bad for myself and shstupid at the same time; Atomic put in a lot of typing and I ended up with a big *whoosh!* over my head.

< sad face emoticon. >
Same here; I had to Gurgle the punchline before I got it. In my defense: Swing music doesn't have a prominent place on my playlist.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:38 pm
by GlytchMeister
Eeeeeeeeyooooooo!

I'm used to that feeling. I apparently have lived a very sheltered life, as I pretty much never get context-dependent jokes.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:55 pm
by Atomic
Laddies and Genteelmen, the Andrews Sisters!

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:38 am
by Jabberwonky
Is it wrong that I was singing the punchline at 'Pardon me Roy...'? You young 'uns is making me feel olt...
;)

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:08 am
by TazManiac
Well, I don't know, I was just watching Norma Shearer...

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:29 am
by DinkyInky
Atomic wrote:Laddies and Genteelmen, the Andrews Sisters!
My fave song of the genre...and version.

I used to sing that to my son to get him to relax enough to sleep.

Didn't get the joke, but still fun.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2015 12:21 am
by Atomic
DinkyInky wrote:Didn't get the joke, but still fun.
  • Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
    Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo?
You may groan now.