Bad Jokes II

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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:01 pm

Dave wrote:
TazManiac wrote:- Peter Falk played the Grandfather/Narrator. Billy Crystal played Miracle Max. (You were just testing me, right?)
Testing my own memory, and I obviously failed :(
TazManiac wrote:bonus round:

"Push the Button Max!" &
"Left Turn Clyde!"
Thats alright, btw, those quotes came from this film: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Race

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:05 pm

So, a guy I know decided to take a trip up to the north end of California, some time ago, with the idea of doing some bird-hunting up in the mountains. His wife went along (planning to hike and swim) although she's not a hunter herself.

He found a good location at the edge of a meadow, where he was pretty sure that doves and other game-birds would gather before dawn, and staked out his spot. The next morning, he crept quietly up to the edge of the meadow, checked carefully for other hunters (there were none), loaded his shotgun, and waited. Just as the sun arose, he spotted motion in the meadow, aimed, and fired. A flock of mourning doves took off, and he was able to bring down two others before the rest flew out of range.

He walked out into the meadow to collect his quarry... and was shocked to realize that his first round had gone amiss. What he had thought was a dove wasn't a bird at all - he'd fired at, and killed a snowshoe hare that had been feeding near the flock. Not wanting to waste the meat, he picked it up, found the two doves, and walked back to his camp... and his luck suddenly became worse. There was a Fish & Wildlife ranger checking licenses... and it wasn't rabbit season. He was cited for killing a hare out of season.

It turned out that the judge down at the County Courthouse had some time available on the calendar that very day, so the hunter decided to throw himself on the mercy of the court. He explained his mistake to the judge, pointing out that he'd had the sun in his eyes and had simply mistaken the half-seen ears of the hare for the head of a dove.

The judge was skeptical, and insisted that the hunter draw a diagram of where he'd been, how he'd fired, and the exact timing of the incident. Fortunately, the hunter's wife had also seen what had happened, and (when placed under oath and questioned separately) her description of what happened exactly matched the hunter's.

The judge said "Well, sir, you're in luck. If you'd killed that hare later, when there was good light to see, I could only have assumed that you were acting deliberately and I would have fined you and suspended your hunting license. However, I know that it's always darkest before the dawn... and you and your wife have convinced me that your first dove was the Lepus. Charges are dismissed."

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Hansontoons
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Hansontoons » Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:59 pm

Dave wrote:So, a guy I know decided to take a trip up to the north end of California, some time ago, with the idea of doing some bird-hunting up in the mountains. His wife went along (planning to hike and swim) although she's not a hunter herself.

He found a good location at the edge of a meadow, where he was pretty sure that doves and other game-birds would gather before dawn, and staked out his spot. The next morning, he crept quietly up to the edge of the meadow, checked carefully for other hunters (there were none), loaded his shotgun, and waited. Just as the sun arose, he spotted motion in the meadow, aimed, and fired. A flock of mourning doves took off, and he was able to bring down two others before the rest flew out of range.

He walked out into the meadow to collect his quarry... and was shocked to realize that his first round had gone amiss. What he had thought was a dove wasn't a bird at all - he'd fired at, and killed a snowshoe hare that had been feeding near the flock. Not wanting to waste the meat, he picked it up, found the two doves, and walked back to his camp... and his luck suddenly became worse. There was a Fish & Wildlife ranger checking licenses... and it wasn't rabbit season. He was cited for killing a hare out of season.

It turned out that the judge down at the County Courthouse had some time available on the calendar that very day, so the hunter decided to throw himself on the mercy of the court. He explained his mistake to the judge, pointing out that he'd had the sun in his eyes and had simply mistaken the half-seen ears of the hare for the head of a dove.

The judge was skeptical, and insisted that the hunter draw a diagram of where he'd been, how he'd fired, and the exact timing of the incident. Fortunately, the hunter's wife had also seen what had happened, and (when placed under oath and questioned separately) her description of what happened exactly matched the hunter's.

The judge said "Well, sir, you're in luck. If you'd killed that hare later, when there was good light to see, I could only have assumed that you were acting deliberately and I would have fined you and suspended your hunting license. However, I know that it's always darkest before the dawn... and you and your wife have convinced me that your first dove was the Lepus. Charges are dismissed."
You should be charged with something... a capacitor perhaps?

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Just Old Al
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Just Old Al » Fri Mar 30, 2018 5:54 am

Hansontoons wrote: You should be charged with something... a capacitor perhaps?
A Van De Graaf generator - make his hare stand on end.
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."

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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:43 pm

*whaa", It flew right over me head, it did...

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Hansontoons
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Hansontoons » Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:59 pm

I bought this album because I liked the cover, band name is Van Der Graaf Generator- Still Life album, don't recall what the music was like...
images-1.jpeg
images-1.jpeg (12.73 KiB) Viewed 1063 times

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GlytchMeister
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by GlytchMeister » Sun Apr 01, 2018 10:34 am

Hansontoons wrote:I bought this album because I liked the cover, band name is Van Der Graaf Generator- Still Life album, don't recall what the music was like...

[ attachment ]
Ooh that’s a Lichtenberg Figure!
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!

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GlytchMeister
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by GlytchMeister » Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:12 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!

Typeminer
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Typeminer » Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:14 pm

Not the first version I've heard of that one, Glytch--but it's a good one. :D
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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Fri Jun 08, 2018 2:13 am

No, that was indeed the very first time I'd heard that one; Well Done!

ShneekeyTheLost
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by ShneekeyTheLost » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:55 am

Anyone ever heard of the whirlwind romance between the Chemist who specialized in pigmentation and the daughter of the textile magnate?

Apparently, she was simply to dye for.

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Just Old Al
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Just Old Al » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:01 am

Hey, Lefty - did you hear about the hijacked truckload of Viagra?

No Righty, Do tell!

The police don't have any leads, but they're on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

{sha-dum bump!}
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by jwhouk » Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:35 am

I took some pictures of a local farmer's field. Unfortunately, they were all grainy.
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ShneekeyTheLost
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by ShneekeyTheLost » Mon Sep 17, 2018 5:05 pm

A young pig tried to become a witch by donning an appropriate hat. Unfortunately, it didn't work. All it did was make her a Ham Sham-Witch.

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Atomic
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Atomic » Mon Sep 17, 2018 11:25 pm

I heard the Army is hiring rural club pole dancers to teach weapon maintenance. Apparently, they're good at field stripping.
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Sgt. Howard
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Sgt. Howard » Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:22 pm

tractor 2.jpg
tractor 2.jpg (199.43 KiB) Viewed 36 times
… yup... that's actually me...
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Bookworm
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Bookworm » Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:47 pm

Sgt. Howard wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:22 pm
tractor 2.jpg… yup... that's actually me...
To add to the joke, there's nothing there to mow.

That's like trying to go mountain climbing in Kansas.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:48 pm

Bookworm wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:47 pm
Sgt. Howard wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:22 pm
tractor 2.jpg… yup... that's actually me...
To add to the joke, there's nothing there to mow.

That's like trying to go mountain climbing in Kansas.
Ah. So Kansas is like the Canadian Prairies, where you can see your dog running away from you for hours on end, then?

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Bookworm » Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:55 pm

lake_wrangler wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:48 pm
Bookworm wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:47 pm
Sgt. Howard wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:22 pm
tractor 2.jpg… yup... that's actually me...
To add to the joke, there's nothing there to mow.

That's like trying to go mountain climbing in Kansas.
Ah. So Kansas is like the Canadian Prairies, where you can see your dog running away from you for hours on end, then?
Yup - they're part of the same Great Plains. It runs from Oklahoma to the Arctic Circle.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Fri Sep 21, 2018 12:04 am

Reminds me of a poster that the folks in the next office had on their door, some decades ago.

Image

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