Bad Jokes II

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Just Old Al
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Just Old Al » Wed May 31, 2017 5:59 am

Dave wrote:Ah, traditions. They're a wonderful thing.

And that, dear friends, is how the Hammond cheese omelet became a traditional part of American's Sunday brunch.
Of course, then some of them eschewed this method, claiming the emanations from the tubes caused flavour changes in the food. Some suspected that it might have been the magnetic field from the rotating reverberation speaker, so that lot were known as the "Leslie-faire" sect.
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Fri Sep 01, 2017 5:15 pm

One thinks of vampirism as a problem that occurs mostly in places with gloomy, cloudy weather, such as Transylvania, England, and Rochester NY. It's the vampire's natural habitat... or so the vampires would have you believe.

The fact is, though, that most vampires are much less sensitive to sunlight than popular tales would have it. Many of them actually enjoy it. As a result, they've been able to hide out through much of the Middle East for thousands of years, and have become both numerous and influential there.

How many? Well, let's just say it's more than you can stake a sheikh at.

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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Fri Sep 01, 2017 5:38 pm

Keep in mind folks, this is the only safe place around here where you are in a Pun Jar Quarantined Zone...

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:41 pm

TazManiac wrote:Keep in mind folks, this is the only safe place around here where you are in a Pun Jar Quarantined Zone...
True... but remember, quarantines are notoriously pervious.

True story: it's really hot in the SF Bay area today - unseasonably so. Here in Sunnyvale it's being reported as 104 degrees right now. The air quality is terrible... my wife was urging me to wet a kerchief and tie it over my face before I bicycle home from work.

About an hour ago, my phone started making a siren sound, as did the phones of several people around here. It was an alert from the county, warning that there's an "excessive heat alert" in effect through Monday night. The alarms all went off again a few minutes later, giving the same message in Spanish. Then five minutes later, it happened again... with the message being in Vietnamese. The county folks are nothing if not thorough.

One of my officemates asked "Is that a heat alert, or a hate alert?"

As we do follow the current political situation (and discuss it occasionally) I pointed out that there isn't much difference between the two - just the pronunciation of one vowel. Clearly, it's a əstika problem.

My long-suffering office-mate said he isn't sure whether I'm an evil genius, or a genius who happens to be evil. I said "Yes."

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by AmriloJim » Fri Sep 01, 2017 7:07 pm

Kosh wrote:Yes.

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Atomic
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Atomic » Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:42 pm

Dave, you're the first person I've seen to use "schwa" in a sentence since junior high English. Congrats!
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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:14 pm

Warning: the following tale contains some elements of truth.

On of my brothers-in-law is an engineer who has a strong creative and artistic nature. For the past couple of decades he's been creating "kinetic sculptures", which use human energy (someone turns a crank or pedals something) to sent balls through mazes of wire and steel, ringing bells and actuating all sorts of marvelous gadgets... think "Rube Goldberg's own pachinko machine, on acid". I've got a small one he made as a Christmas present. He's taken a couple of his large ones (Trillium and Pentamonium) "on the road" as public artworks, ending up with a showing at the Burning Man festival.

At one session of Burning Man, he met another artist who had traveled in from Georgia with his latest work. Said artist had been inspired by one of the more quirky bits of fandom to come along in recent years: somebody had made a portrait of the actor Kevin Bacon, made entirely out of (you guessed it) bacon.

Image

Now, the artist my b.i.l. met had wanted to create an even more epic portrayal of Mr. Bacon, on a high lighted tower which might serve as a lighthouse. He had, regretfully, given up on the idea of using actual bacon for the portrait, due to the weather conditions out at Burning Man - it's so hot and harsh that it couldn't possibly have survived, except as MOOP (Material Out Of Place on the playa, requiring an extensive clean-up). He decided to do as the Japanese do for their restaurant "show food", and substitute ceramics; he'd spent weeks painstakingly molding realistic-looking pieces of bacon out of clay, drying and firing them, glazing them into the proper colors, firing them again, and then fastening in place on the surface of the big Tower o' Tribute.

So, the festival went off, his homage was shown, and (thanks to the flashing lights he'd put at the top) nobody drove an airplane or drone into it.

After returning to his home in Georgia, he applied to the Burning Man arts council for a grant, hoping to get funding to bring back and even bigger and better portrayal the next year.

They turned him down, mostly over his use of materials - some of the judges really felt he shouldn't have substituted clay for real meat. They just couldn't see funding someone who'd be takin' a fakin'-bacon Bacon blinkin' Macon beacon.

And that, my friends, is at least slightly the truth.

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GlytchMeister
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by GlytchMeister » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:46 am

You're as bad as Stephen Pastis.
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Typeminer » Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:08 pm

GlytchMeister wrote:You're as bad as Stephen Pastis.
Worse! Pastis gets paid! :mrgreen:
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Atomic
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Atomic » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:11 am

Due to this exchange, I'm unloading one of my Dad's jokes on you:

It's seems back in the day, a Swedish lumberjack is shopping for a new axe. The hardware salesman gets him to try out one of those new fangled chain saws.

"Two cords a day? Why, with one of these babies, you can crank out four!"

"Ya! Four, den? Hokay with me! Dot sounds goodt!"

So he takes his new purchase into the woods and starts work. Alas, things don't go well and he only gets a half-cord cut. Not one to give up on modernization, the next day he starts two hours earlier. Having had a days worth of practice, things go much better and he gets a little over a cord.

"I'm getting de hang of dis, but zometing seems off. I'll give it vun more day."

Now he starts three hours earlier and works three hours longer. Exhausted, he looks at his 2 1/2 cord pile and gives up. He's taking it back to the store.

"Zo, Meester Zalesman! Hyu said Hi could get four cords done hinna day! I vork six hextra hours and barely make more dan Hi did vis mine axe! Vat is wrong vis dis ting?"

"Oh dear! Well, lets take a look and see what's going on!"

He puts some gas in the chain saw, pulls the handle and it starts right up.

"VAT IS DOT NOIZE???"
Don't let other peoples limitations become your constraints!

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lake_wrangler
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Tue Jan 02, 2018 7:44 am

This must be one of those universal jokes that exist just about everywhere, with minor changes in the details... In my case, the lumberjack was from Notre-Dame de St-Éloigné-dans-l-fond-du-trou, dans le conté de St-Meuh-Meuh...
(Our Lady of St-Far-Away-at-the-bottom-of-a-hole, in the county of St-Moo-Moo... There are a lot of places, in the province of Québec, that are named after various saints, and this name implied that it was some rather remote place, as you can probably guess...)
In my case, however, the lumberjack I "knew" of wasn't as persistent as yours... He didn't stick to it as many days, but went back as soon as possible...

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:01 pm

As most of you were aware, it was a very cold New Years Eve in most places in the country. This naturally had an impact on the celebrations - apparently quite a few people stayed home rather than go out. Due to the predictions of low crowds, some businesses figured that they'd have few customers, and cut back on their stocking of supplies.

This backfired, in at least one case. One company which has a set of food-concession carts around Times Square in New York City started to run low: the revelers were buying junk-food faster than expected, so they could eat well and stay warm. Several carts ran out of corn dogs, and had to call the company to make and deliver more - and the company's kitchen was itself running low on ingredients. There were only a few hot dogs left, and no cornmeal at all.

The company president placed emergency orders for 'dogs and more cornmeal with the local suppliers. The butcher was able to supply immediately, but the cornmeal was going to be slow in arriving.

The president glowered at his second-in-command. "The kitchen is in bad shape right now - production is almost stopped - and it's going to get wurst before it gets batter."

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Warrl » Tue Jan 02, 2018 8:40 pm

As most of you were aware, it was a very cold New Years Eve in most places in the country.
Which of course prompted many internet discussions of just how cold it was - below freezing, below zero...

and some smarty-pants in Phoenix chimed in that his daily high was 21 degrees below 100...

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GlytchMeister
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by GlytchMeister » Sat Feb 10, 2018 9:55 pm

7A27462E-B973-45CB-93AB-339B61BA20A9.jpeg
7A27462E-B973-45CB-93AB-339B61BA20A9.jpeg (102.04 KiB) Viewed 2983 times
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Sat Feb 10, 2018 10:10 pm

That's the most irrational terminology I've seen today.

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:22 am

So, Gwen is in the living room, watching the events in Seoul. I asked her whether it's true that they're planning to combine the Winter Olympics with the Tour de France. She hasn't heard that, and asked what the combined event would be called.

"I have no idea" I replied, "but I know that their theme song is going to be Sometimes you Schwinn, sometimes you luge."

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lake_wrangler
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:02 am

You just made me think... It occurs to me that all those bike races are all a lie! After all, all those racing bikes are made of carbon fibber...

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Mon Feb 12, 2018 1:02 am

This afternoon, Gwen and I went to see a local theater company's performance of Sweeny Todd. Quite well done... there were some fine voices among the players, and one of our favorites in the company had the vital role of Mrs. Lovett and did a wonderful job of it.

Gwen was a bit surprised to see that the (small) venue wasn't full... there were some unsold seats.

l explained that the problem was probably the time of day... that particular play being more suitable for a dinner-theater production.
lake_wrangler wrote:You just made me think... It occurs to me that all those bike races are all a lie! After all, all those racing bikes are made of carbon fibber...
It's not just the fiber that's a fibber. The tires are liars, the seat is a cheat, and the lamp is a scamp.

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by DinkyInky » Tue Feb 13, 2018 4:33 am

Dave wrote:This afternoon, Gwen and I went to see a local theater company's performance of Sweeny Todd. Quite well done... there were some fine voices among the players, and one of our favorites in the company had the vital role of Mrs. Lovett and did a wonderful job of it.

Gwen was a bit surprised to see that the (small) venue wasn't full... there were some unsold seats.

l explained that the problem was probably the time of day... that particular play being more suitable for a dinner-theater production.
lake_wrangler wrote:You just made me think... It occurs to me that all those bike races are all a lie! After all, all those racing bikes are made of carbon fibber...
It's not just the fiber that's a fibber. The tires are liars, the seat is a cheat, and the lamp is a scamp.
Yes, and they'd LOVE to have you for Dinner.
Yanno how some people have Angels/Devils for a conscience? I have a Dark Elf ShadowKnight and a Half Elf Ranger for mine. The really bad part is when they agree on something.

Aphyon chu kissa whol l'jaed.
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lake_wrangler
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Sun Mar 11, 2018 2:51 pm

This was done in 2014, but I just read it this morning, from the The System webcomic

Image

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