Bad Jokes II

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lake_wrangler
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Tue Dec 06, 2016 2:04 pm

In that case, you owe it to yourself to rent it and watch it. It is well worth it, with many, many quotable parts for later use, too. :D

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Tue Dec 06, 2016 4:11 pm

lake_wrangler wrote:In that case, you owe it to yourself to rent it and watch it. It is well worth it, with many, many quotable parts for later use, too. :D
Definitely.

I'd also suggest buying a copy of the printed edition. The additional detail adds richness to the story.

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GlytchMeister
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by GlytchMeister » Tue Dec 06, 2016 4:12 pm

Hansontoons wrote:
lake_wrangler wrote:Actually, it's much simpler than that, for me: your giant rat reference made me think of the Rodents Of Unusual Size from the Princess Bride movie, hence the first line of my post. The second line of my post was almost " *Gets attacked by a ROUS...* ", until I replaced it with the "Did I just set myself up" statement, expecting someone else to complete the scene instead...
Aha! Not ever having seen The Princess Bride, your reference was WAY over my head!
Wait.

WHAT.

HAVE I ACTUALLY SEEN AN OLD MOVIE SOMEONE ON THIS FORUM HASN'T SEEN?

Arright, everybody start watching out for four flying horsemen and trumpet blasts, because the world is clearly ending.
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
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lake_wrangler
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:00 pm

Dave wrote:
lake_wrangler wrote:In that case, you owe it to yourself to rent it and watch it. It is well worth it, with many, many quotable parts for later use, too. :D
Definitely.

I'd also suggest buying a copy of the printed edition. The additional detail adds richness to the story.
And it's pretty amusing, too, what with the framework of the author telling us that his dad used to skip over the boring parts, as he read the story when the author was young, and that he (the author) ended up reading the boring parts later on, realizing just how much editing his dad had done, when reading him the story, and telling how a brief summary of what he was now skipping over for our sake (like telling us that there was a XX number of pages on the selection of the dress for Princess Buttercup, etc., which he won't retell for us...)

It sounds weird, but it works.


Several years ago, I read on the internet that some enterprising writer had, with the help of friends, in college, written the "unabridged" version, filling in the "skipped over" parts from the original book... I forget if the original author was notified or not. I think he was, and had been amused. I can't find reference to that, right now.

The Princess Bride book, on Wikipedia

A site describing the letter people would get, who wrote the publisher for the "original", non-published because of legal ramifications, scene of the reunion between Wesley and Buttercup

Three more links on the subject of the unabridged version: (Make sure to read all the comments... :mrgreen: )
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/arc ... 13849.html

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/41 ... ed-version

Whereas this one "spills the beans" on the subject (and people admit to having been fooled, in the comments)
http://hubpages.com/entertainment/The-T ... cess-Bride
Last edited by lake_wrangler on Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:17 pm

lake_wrangler wrote: A site describing the letter people would get, who wrote the publisher for the "original", non-published because of legal ramifications, scene of the reunion between Wesley and Buttercup

I REMEMBER Sending a letter, with change in it, to the Publishing Company, (step-mom looked askanced at me, but was helpful) and got back one of those forms in reply.

(Had to have been the early 70s...) The first (paperback) prints of the Princess Bride used Red Ink when the author put in his asides...

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Hansontoons
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Hansontoons » Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:37 pm

GlytchMeister wrote:WHAT.

HAVE I ACTUALLY SEEN AN OLD MOVIE SOMEONE ON THIS FORUM HASN'T SEEN?

Arright, everybody start watching out for four flying horsemen and trumpet blasts, because the world is clearly ending.
In 1987 I was living in Huntsville, TX, dealt with a merger at work that moved my job 75 miles away, did my best to attend to a pregnant spouse (craved Mexican food which was OK with me) until September, and after that a newborn, non-pregnant spouse, and a 150 mile-a-day round trip to work. I don't recall seeing many movies that year. Nor can I remember which movies I saw that year. Next time I see PB listed on the tee-vee, I'll take a look.

And I wouldn't consider it an old movie! :D

Now if we talk something like Casablanca, that's old to me!

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Typeminer » Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:47 pm

I've seen parts of it on TV, but never the whole thing, far as I remember. I do remember that Peter Falk was funny as hell, and he's the least of it. :D
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Hansontoons
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Hansontoons » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:31 pm

Typeminer wrote:I've seen parts of it on TV, but never the whole thing, far as I remember. I do remember that Peter Falk was funny as hell, and he's the least of it. :D
Nawwww... You're thinking of The Cheap Detective with Falk, I did have to look up the connection with Casablanca. I'm talkin' Bogart and Bergman Casablanca! It's a fav of mine for reasons that would take sitting around with cold beers discussing movies to figure out why it's a fav.

Now my favorite Falk character would be Max from The Great Race. Tho I remember watching Colombo and other of his efforts.

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:46 pm

Hansontoons wrote:
Typeminer wrote:I've seen parts of it on TV, but never the whole thing, far as I remember. I do remember that Peter Falk was funny as hell, and he's the least of it. :D
Nawwww... You're thinking of The Cheap Detective with Falk...
I thought Falk did a wonderful Miracle Max!
Now my favorite Falk character would be Max from The Great Race.
That, too. The man certainly knew how to max out a career in comedy!

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Typeminer » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:57 pm

I saw The Great Race when it came out, and I don't remember how many times after, when I was a kid. So much fun!
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TazManiac
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Tue Dec 06, 2016 10:52 pm

You guys are crazy.

- See Princess Bride without commercial interruptions, however you have to do it. (Try borrowing it from the local Library in fact...)

- Peter Falk played the Grandfather/Narrator. Billy Crystal played Miracle Max. (You were just testing me, right?)

bonus round:

"Push the Button Max!" &
"Left Turn Clyde!"

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by TazManiac » Tue Dec 06, 2016 10:58 pm

(In trying to avoid re-writing this from scratch, I found the bulk of it on the Intewebz, but didn't like the overtly derogatory references, so I've edited it to get back to the version I recall from the late 60's, early 70's...) enjoy...


A Sailor goes on Shore Leave and as he had planned ahead and saved up all his pay; the very first thing he asks when he hits the dry ground is “Where is the Red light District?”.

With some decent directions in hand, he set out, hell-bent for leather and promptly went about being very sexually promiscuous, but unfortunately for our Sailor, he does not use protection.

A week after arriving back from Leave, he awakes one morning to find his equiptment covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see the Ship’s Medic. The Medic, never having seen anything like this before, sends him ashore to see a Specialist who orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted a rare form of VD. In fact, It’s extremely rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a local doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The local doctor examines him very thoroughly and proclaims: “There is nothing Modern Western Medicine can do for you, I’m sorry, but I have a referral for you just the same...”

With little to loose the Sailor accepts the hand written directions and sets out to travel over hill & dale to the remote back-of-beyond, finally coming to a small remote camp in the boonies, whereupon he is discovered by a local Hermit, a Shaman, a Healer.

Relating his tale and submitting the note the previous Doctor had sent along, the Sailor submitted himself to one further examination…

“Ah, yes, Very Rare Disease.”

The guy says to the Medical Man: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My Western Doctors want to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Local Healer shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Western ‘Science’, always want to Operate. Make more money, that way. No need to Operate!”

“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Learned Gentleman, “You not worry! Wait two weeks... it’ll fall off on it’s own!”
.

ShneekeyTheLost
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by ShneekeyTheLost » Wed Dec 07, 2016 7:36 am

A Toast!

To the Stork, who brings all the good little boys and girls.
To the Blackbird, who brings all the bad little boys and girls.
And to the Swallow... who brings no children at all...

Warrl
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Warrl » Thu Dec 08, 2016 8:45 pm

Hansontoons wrote:and after that a newborn, non-pregnant spouse
Now I've heard of robbing the cradle, but I always assumed it was hyperbole...

:lol:

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Thu Dec 08, 2016 8:55 pm

TazManiac wrote:- Peter Falk played the Grandfather/Narrator. Billy Crystal played Miracle Max. (You were just testing me, right?)
Testing my own memory, and I obviously failed :(

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Hansontoons
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Hansontoons » Thu Dec 08, 2016 9:24 pm

Warrl wrote:
Hansontoons wrote:and after that a newborn, non-pregnant spouse
Now I've heard of robbing the cradle, but I always assumed it was hyperbole...

:lol:
Ah. Yes. I see.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (thank you C. Dickens)

Well, maybe best of times to a degree... I still have the kid.

All in all, life's been good to me. (thank you J. Walsh)

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Thu Apr 06, 2017 11:11 am

Once, in a small town somewhere in the Midwest, there lived a man named Hannery. Born the only son of the richest and best-connected merchant family in town, he was spoiled as a child, and grew to become an undisciplined and arrogant young man.

Despite his intemperate nature, he was able to use his family's wealth and political influence to win appointments and elections to a number of political offices. Eventually, having managed to pass his law boards (just squeaking through) he won election to the position of town magistrate.

He proved to be a notoriously terrible jurist... annoying, peremptory, and tempestuous. Lawyers hated bringing cases before him, due to his habit of ranting at them, criticizing witnesses, shouting at the jury, and loudly ordering children to be held in contempt for playing street-ball outside the courtroom windows. But, with his political backing, he was in the job for life.

His raging temper was his undoing, though. In the middle of a violent rant at an elderly defendant who had been ticketed for jaywalking, he suffered a massive stroke and passed away. Peace reclaimed the courtroom and the town.

As all of his relatives had died some time previously, it was up to the town government to handle the burial arrangements.

He was laid to rest under a tombstone which reads simply "Here calms the Judge."

ShneekeyTheLost
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by ShneekeyTheLost » Thu Apr 06, 2017 10:12 pm

Two guys at a bar were admiring the callipygian rear a lady on the dance floor was shaking.

"Dat ass, tho..." one murmured in awe
"Yea, I'd bounce a quarter off of it, but it'd get me into legal trouble?"
"Oh? How so?"
"It would be her-ass-meant"

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Dave
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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by Dave » Tue May 30, 2017 11:27 pm

Ah, traditions. They're a wonderful thing.

Wisconsin and Minnesota have long been populated by dairy and poultry farmers, settled all across the fertile plains in small communities. Dating back to an era before television and radio and the Internet, the social structure of the towns tended to focus around the churches (one or more denominations per town) and schools. Aside from providing a place of worship, the churches and their "social halls" supplied a venue for all sorts of meetings, get-togethers, discussions, dances, and the like.

Being both hard-working and frugal, the local families tended to work six days out of the week, and then spend Sunday in religious observation and social gathering. They'd drive into town in the Sunday best, bringing food from the farms they had prepared or could prepare at the social hall for the inevitable "pot-luck" meal after church each week.

Their frugal nature (and the inventive genius of one unnamed hero) showed them a way to save money on the church's utility bills. They didn't actually need to use a stove! Every church in that era had an organ, but few could afford a pipe organ and most used electric tonewheel organs. These organs all had amplifiers, and all of these amplifiers were chock-full of vacuum tubes (this being "before transistors"). Vacuum tubes use electricity, they get quite hot, they have to be run in order to use the organ at all... and so the church-goers could re-warm supper dishes over the organ cabinet at no additional cost! They could even cook items afresh, as long as only a modest amount of heat was required.

And that, dear friends, is how the Hammond cheese omelet became a traditional part of American's Sunday brunch.
Last edited by Dave on Tue May 30, 2017 11:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Bad Jokes II

Post by lake_wrangler » Tue May 30, 2017 11:40 pm

(Heard on the radio:)

A newspaper ran a contest, asking people to send in puns. One man sent in ten, hoping to better his chances of lucking out. Once the contest was over, the newspaper published the winning puns. The man checked to see if any of his puns made the list.

Alas, no pun in ten did.

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