Bad Jokes II

All off topic conversation held here. Have fun and play nice. =)

Moderators: The Old Wolf, starkruzr, MrFireDragon, PrettyPrincess, Bookworm, Wapsi

Bad Jokes II

Postby shadowinthelight » Tue Oct 14, 2014 11:44 pm

Rather than raise the first thread from the dead...

These are originals that popped into my head today:

Did you hear about the online pottery store that shut down because they didn't get any business? It was www.e-bowla.com.

Why do lesbians write exclusively in pencil? Because pen is bad.
Julie, about Wapsi Square wrote:Oh goodness yes. So much paranormal!


Image My deviantART and YouTube.
I'm done thinking for today! It's caused me enough trouble!
User avatar
shadowinthelight
 
Posts: 2525
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:49 pm
Location: Somewhere, TX

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Atomic » Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:40 am

It seems a very opinionated young couple are in need of a doctor for their baby to be, and they check out a list of local obstetricians. Unfortunately, even though they live near a large city, it seems none of the available White American doctors have room in their schedule for them. Obviously, Black doctors are out of the question, as are Italians (Catholic), Hispanics (ditto), and of course, Chinese, Japanese, and Irish. Frustrated, they call a family meeting of parents and In-Laws to try and sort out the problem.

"Say what you will about the Jews," ventures a grandfather, "they know their business. It would do in a pinch."

"I hear the Indians are pretty good, too," offers a Mother-in-law, "even if they are on the dark side."

"Technically, Indians are Caucasian," notes the young mother, "so they've got that going for them. And, chicken marsala is pretty tasty."

The Mother-in-law nods as the crowd generally approves.

"I'm thinking maybe a German," says the other grandfather. "They've been in the doctor business a long time, too."

"Wait a minute!" says the young father. "I think I've got just the guy then. Yep! Right here on the list of Obstetricians!"

"Which one?" asks his wife.

"Gupta von Greenbaum!"
Don't let other peoples limitations become your constraints!

My Deviant Art scribbles
The Atomic Guide to Basic GIMP Stuff
User avatar
Atomic
 
Posts: 2311
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:39 am
Location: Central PA

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby ActionKermit » Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:51 am

Last night it was so cold I saw a chicken with a cape on.
User avatar
ActionKermit
 
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 3:49 pm

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby shadowinthelight » Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:14 pm

People keep declaring "Jesus is coming!"

Is he some sort of tantric master?
Julie, about Wapsi Square wrote:Oh goodness yes. So much paranormal!


Image My deviantART and YouTube.
I'm done thinking for today! It's caused me enough trouble!
User avatar
shadowinthelight
 
Posts: 2525
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:49 pm
Location: Somewhere, TX

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby TazManiac » Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:12 pm

Those are pretty bad, but I'm sure we can do worse...
User avatar
TazManiac
 
Posts: 2832
Joined: Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:53 pm

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Alkarii » Sun Apr 19, 2015 5:04 pm

I was chatting with a coworker not too long ago about how arcades have gone the way of VHS tapes, and how this area needs a dave and buster's, which is like a Chuck E. Cheese's, except much better, and apparently for adults (since you only see adults in the commercials).

I then said this:

"Chuck E. Cheese's is where dead dreams go to have their abortions."
Does it ever occur to anyone else that maybe funhouses would not be a good place to live?
Alkarii
 
Posts: 1216
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:02 pm

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Jabberwonky » Tue Apr 21, 2015 1:44 am

Bave & Duster's is a family friendly kind of place, but they do serve alcohol to those with proper ID. It can be a fun place to have a meal and do some arcade games, or ticket games if you prefer.
Houston is rife with "Game Rooms' at small out of the way strip centers. But on investigation, I was disappointed to find out they're full of quasi-legal video slot machines. There's some way to redeem what you win into prizes and/or cash. They're legal in some fashion, but they get busted for illegal gambling alla time...
"The price of perfection is prohibitive." - Anonymous
User avatar
Jabberwonky
 
Posts: 2962
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:11 am
Location: Houston, Texas

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby shadowinthelight » Tue Apr 21, 2015 3:35 am

Why does disease spread so quickly in Deutschland?

Because of all the germ men.
Julie, about Wapsi Square wrote:Oh goodness yes. So much paranormal!


Image My deviantART and YouTube.
I'm done thinking for today! It's caused me enough trouble!
User avatar
shadowinthelight
 
Posts: 2525
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:49 pm
Location: Somewhere, TX

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Atomic » Tue Apr 21, 2015 8:03 am

One fine day, Roy, a mountain man, decides it's finally time to propose to the light of his life, Sue. It had been a long time coming, and Sue new it too! Why, she'd even heard Roy had got some new shoes and such from mail order, and it was in on the stagecoach just yesterday. She had to be ready, and headed off to the general store for some new hair ribbons, and maybe even had enough time to make a new skirt.

Roy was happy to have those new shoes. He wanted to look his best when he proposed. His coat was in good shape, pants were fair, and some nice shiny shoes were just the thing to have. Why, they fit and everything right out of the box from Monkey Wards! So, he got dressed, slicked back his hair, and slapped on some bear grease to polish up those shoes.

Town was only a few miles away and it wasn't long before he was mostly down the mountain getting toward the flat land and the road leading to Sue. He stopped to pick some wild flowers near a stream while his horse took a drink. He really wanted to make a good impression.

Unfortunately, a wildcat was nearby, and if there's one thing that drives a wildcat wild, it's the smell of bear grease! Poor old Roy was bent over picking flowers when the wildcat went straight for him! And those new shoes!

It was a terrible tussle. Fangs and claws, snarls and shouts, fists and knife, end over end tumbling down into the stream where the wildcat finally met it's match.

Roy hauled his sore and battered self up out of the stream and sat on a nearby log to recover. It was a good sized wildcat and the pelt would be worth some decent money, but he was a mess. His coat and pants were ripped, blood everywhere, some good size scratches on his face and arms, and his shoes were gashed up from getting dragged through the rocks and clawed by the wildcat.

There was only one thing to do. Roy skinned the wildcat, gathered up his horse, and headed to town. He was still bleeding a bit, and maybe the doctor could stitch up his arm.

Word traveled fast when they saw Roy coming down off the mountain. Only one person came from that direction, and most everybody had been rooting for Roy and Sue to get hitched. Sue got ready and waited on the front porch.

Down the road through town came Roy on his fine steed. With head held high, hat even, tattered coat smoothed where he could, and a kerchief tied around his bleeding arm, the townsfolk saw him and that wildcat pelt draped across his lap, and knew what happened.

Sue saw it too. There he was, the man of her dreams, fresh from battle, a hand full of wild flowers, wearing what was left of the best he had, and doing it all for her. She stood to face him as he got down from his horse. There was only one thing she could do.

She pointed to the pelt and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Don't let other peoples limitations become your constraints!

My Deviant Art scribbles
The Atomic Guide to Basic GIMP Stuff
User avatar
Atomic
 
Posts: 2311
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:39 am
Location: Central PA

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Jabberwonky » Tue Apr 21, 2015 6:20 pm

And I was singing it by the time I got to Roy. .
:lol: :lol: :lol:
"The price of perfection is prohibitive." - Anonymous
User avatar
Jabberwonky
 
Posts: 2962
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:11 am
Location: Houston, Texas

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Julie » Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:53 am

My current favorite:

What is the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

:lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D
"Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful."
User avatar
Julie
 
Posts: 1605
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:30 pm
Location: Dallas, Texas

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby GlytchMeister » Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:44 pm

Atomic wrote:(long joke)


That sounds like one of those songs where it isn't really singing, just a guy telling a story with a band playing in the background.
Like certain parts of "One Bourban, One Scotch, One Beer". Just take out all the choruses, I guess.
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!
User avatar
GlytchMeister
 
Posts: 3565
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2013 2:52 pm
Location: Central Illinois

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby TazManiac » Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:20 pm

I feel both bad for myself and shstupid at the same time; Atomic put in a lot of typing and I ended up with a big *whoosh!* over my head.

< sad face emoticon. >
User avatar
TazManiac
 
Posts: 2832
Joined: Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:53 pm

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby MerchManDan » Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:33 pm

TazManiac wrote:I feel both bad for myself and shstupid at the same time; Atomic put in a lot of typing and I ended up with a big *whoosh!* over my head.

< sad face emoticon. >

Same here; I had to Gurgle the punchline before I got it. In my defense: Swing music doesn't have a prominent place on my playlist.
"Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you." - Nim the chimp
Image
Animation courtesy of shadowinthelight (thanks again!)
User avatar
MerchManDan
 
Posts: 1674
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 3:40 am
Location: Somewhere else.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby GlytchMeister » Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:38 pm

Eeeeeeeeyooooooo!

I'm used to that feeling. I apparently have lived a very sheltered life, as I pretty much never get context-dependent jokes.
He's mister GlytchMeister, he's mister code
He's mister exploiter, he's mister ones and zeros
They call me GlytchMeister, whatever I touch
Starts to glitch in my clutch!
I'm too much!
User avatar
GlytchMeister
 
Posts: 3565
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2013 2:52 pm
Location: Central Illinois

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Atomic » Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:55 pm

Laddies and Genteelmen, the Andrews Sisters!
Don't let other peoples limitations become your constraints!

My Deviant Art scribbles
The Atomic Guide to Basic GIMP Stuff
User avatar
Atomic
 
Posts: 2311
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:39 am
Location: Central PA

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Jabberwonky » Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:38 am

Is it wrong that I was singing the punchline at 'Pardon me Roy...'? You young 'uns is making me feel olt...
;)
"The price of perfection is prohibitive." - Anonymous
User avatar
Jabberwonky
 
Posts: 2962
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:11 am
Location: Houston, Texas

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby TazManiac » Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:08 am

Well, I don't know, I was just watching Norma Shearer...
User avatar
TazManiac
 
Posts: 2832
Joined: Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:53 pm

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby DinkyInky » Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:29 am

Atomic wrote:Laddies and Genteelmen, the Andrews Sisters!
My fave song of the genre...and version.

I used to sing that to my son to get him to relax enough to sleep.

Didn't get the joke, but still fun.
Yanno how some people have Angels/Devils for a conscience? I have a Dark Elf ShadowKnight and a Half Elf Ranger for mine. The really bad part is when they agree on something.

Aphyon chu kissa whol l'jaed.
--Safyr Drathmir
User avatar
DinkyInky
 
Posts: 2373
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:38 am
Location: Where there's more than Corn.

Re: Bad Jokes II

Postby Atomic » Sat Apr 25, 2015 12:21 am

DinkyInky wrote:Didn't get the joke, but still fun.

    Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
    Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo?
You may groan now.
Don't let other peoples limitations become your constraints!

My Deviant Art scribbles
The Atomic Guide to Basic GIMP Stuff
User avatar
Atomic
 
Posts: 2311
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:39 am
Location: Central PA

Next

Return to The Main Pub Room

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests