Side track to the current arc

[Opus the Poet]

You know with all the magic flying around and the super science that made Castel, someone should have done a book to check out from the Library along the lines of "OK So Now You're Human, Now What?" with instructions on eating, eliminating, bathing, wearing clothes, and how to act around other humans (and humanoid paras) so the newly transformed human can sort of fit in, instead of huddling alone in a corner until dehydration and starvation set in.

Hasn't anyone checked it out of the Library yet?

And does anyone in the peanut gallery feel up to the task of creating a version for the fora?

[Sgt. Howard]

You know with all the magic flying around and the super science that made Castel, someone should have done a book to check out from the Library along the lines of "OK So Now You're Human, Now What?" with instructions on eating, eliminating, bathing, wearing clothes, and how to act around other humans (and humanoid paras) so the newly transformed human can sort of fit in, instead of huddling alone in a corner until dehydration and starvation set in.

Hasn't anyone checked it out of the Library yet?

And does anyone in the peanut gallery feel up to the task of creating a version for the fora?

"The Art of being HUMAN", by Gregory F. Howard- press date soon to be released. Mundanes see it as a funny piece of phantasy/fiction, while paras find it quite informative. There is an entire chapter on toilet etiquette. Also tips regarding 'blending in', 'American/English dialects", "Belching" (many species are incapable of this)... all of it written tongue-in-cheek.

Illustrations by the author..

[Dave]

"The Art of being HUMAN", by Gregory F. Howard- press date soon to be released. Mundanes see it as a funny piece of phantasy/fiction, while paras find it quite informative. There is an entire chapter on toilet etiquette. Also tips regarding 'blending in', 'American/English dialects", "Belching" (many species are incapable of this)... all of it written tongue-in-cheek.

Illustrations by the author..

The extended Wapsiverse's answer to James Thurber.

This isn't an easy subject by any means. Some aspects of "being human" are entirely cross-cultural, but a lot of those are so second-nature to us humans that we might not even realize they aren't obvious to non-humans. A lot about human facial expressions, for example, seems to be biologically determined... we make, and recognize, expressions of joy and disgust and fear and garfoonlenurky* in pretty much the same way everywhere in the world, but most animals don't make or recognize these expressions in anywhere near the same way.

Many other parts of "being human" are culturally-based: clothing, toilet etiquette ("flushing tissue down the toilet" ranges from "of course, always" to "Gods, no, it'll clog the pipes... put it in the wastecan next to the loo") (and this doesn't even take into account those paras whose poo is capable of eroding through porcelain), social behavior in public, "social distance" and eye contact, and so forth.

Feels like this almost deserves a rectangular encyclopedia set: one axis being the general nature of the para involved, and the other being the country or culture into which the para is trying to enter.

Or, maybe, organize it like one of those wonderful "tree identifier" reference books, which "drill down" from the most general to the most specific by asking you multiple-choice questions. If your para form is essentially humanoid, go to page 7; if essentially quadrupled, go to page 83; if aquatic, go to page 114...

... with cartoons all along the way, of course.

Really looking forward to this, Sarge!

[Atomic]

social behavior in public, "social distance" and eye contact, and so forth.

Ha!

You've just reminded me of my Air Force days, where I encountered (yes, that's the word) a VERY confident young woman who had Monica's attributes, but was about 5'8" and brooked no shenanigans from anyone. I also worked with her, and, well, it was very interesting.

One day she was in the office in civilian clothes -- a V-neck short sleeve midi top and sports shorts (joggers, I guess), and as often, braless. Hey, it was summer! Anyway, a New Guy, about 19 or so, was being processed into the unit, and walked around the corner to behold... her. Shock, frozen, slack jaw, and eyes on cleavage. She saw him and paused a moment to see what happened. Paralysis continued. She put down her paperwork, turned and walked up and into him, chest to chest, and continued walking until he was back to the wall behind him. Her height put her eye to eye with him, and he had to raise his head. I remember hearing the klunk against the wall.

"Hi! I'm Staff Sergeant X. You must be the new guy! Pleased to meet you!" and put her hand up next to her face so he might be able to somehow shake it in the six inch gap between their noses.

One "uhhh" later, he raised his hand, she stepped back to make room, and they shook hands. Face? Crimson!

Aggression? Not really. Assertive? Hell yeah! Clue delivered.

[Sgt. Howard]

"The Art of being HUMAN", by Gregory F. Howard- press date soon to be released. Mundanes see it as a funny piece of phantasy/fiction, while paras find it quite informative. There is an entire chapter on toilet etiquette. Also tips regarding 'blending in', 'American/English dialects", "Belching" (many species are incapable of this)... all of it written tongue-in-cheek.

Illustrations by the author..

The extended Wapsiverse's answer to James Thurber.

This isn't an easy subject by any means. Some aspects of "being human" are entirely cross-cultural, but a lot of those are so second-nature to us humans that we might not even realize they aren't obvious to non-humans. A lot about human facial expressions, for example, seems to be biologically determined... we make, and recognize, expressions of joy and disgust and fear and garfoonlenurky* in pretty much the same way everywhere in the world, but most animals don't make or recognize these expressions in anywhere near the same way.

Many other parts of "being human" are culturally-based: clothing, toilet etiquette ("flushing tissue down the toilet" ranges from "of course, always" to "Gods, no, it'll clog the pipes... put it in the wastecan next to the loo") (and this doesn't even take into account those paras whose poo is capable of eroding through porcelain), social behavior in public, "social distance" and eye contact, and so forth.

Feels like this almost deserves a rectangular encyclopedia set: one axis being the general nature of the para involved, and the other being the country or culture into which the para is trying to enter.

Or, maybe, organize it like one of those wonderful "tree identifier" reference books, which "drill down" from the most general to the most specific by asking you multiple-choice questions. If your para form is essentially humanoid, go to page 7; if essentially quadrupled, go to page 83; if aquatic, go to page 114...

... with cartoons all along the way, of course.

Really looking forward to this, Sarge!

... actually, I originally was spoofing my other "written" works on paranormals as mentioned in "Sixteen years from now"... but either Dave didn't know it was a joke or he called my bluff... either way, I think it's actually going to happen. Might take some time for the research ...

[TazManiac]

Leave it to Dave to get me thinking about a type of Para, who by (perhaps unspoken) agreement live very close to Volcanoes- because thats the only place they can defecate into that wont harm 'lesser beings'....

[Dave]

Always glad to be causing trouble and upsetting apple-carts, my friends!

[Alkarii]

Leave it to Dave to get me thinking about a type of Para, who by (perhaps unspoken) agreement live very close to Volcanoes- because thats the only place they can defecate into that wont harm 'lesser beings'....

God, imagine leaving a lit bag of that on someone's doorstep...

It'd be like in Alien, when they try to remove the facehugger from Ash's face, only to get a little blood on the floor... Except with poop instead of alien blood.

Edit: Wait! There's a mythical creature from Europe that does that! Gah! What was it called?!

[Dave]

Leave it to Dave to get me thinking about a type of Para, who by (perhaps unspoken) agreement live very close to Volcanoes- because thats the only place they can defecate into that wont harm 'lesser beings'....

Hiderigami?

[FreeFlier]

Leave it to Dave to get me thinking about a type of Para, who by (perhaps unspoken) agreement live very close to Volcanoes- because thats the only place they can defecate into that wont harm 'lesser beings'....

God, imagine leaving a lit bag of that on someone's doorstep...

It'd be like in Alien, when they try to remove the facehugger from Ash's face, only to get a little blood on the floor... Except with poop instead of alien blood.

Edit: Wait! There's a mythical creature from Europe that does that! Gah! What was it called?!

I can think of one that shoots flaming excrement all over . . .

But I can't remember the name!

Bona-something, maybe?

--FreeFlier

[Dave]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonnacon

That's a new one for me... never heard of it before. Seems like they might have evolved into Internet trolls.

[FreeFlier]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonnacon

That's a new one for me... never heard of it before. Seems like they might have evolved into Internet trolls.

Yep, that's the one.

You need to read your early Monster Manual again . . . IIRC that's where I read of it.

--FreeFlier

[Alkarii]

You gotta wonder, though. Since not all the paras we've seen in the comic actually match the old myths precisely (which didn't match themselves, to be honest), how would one be depicted in the comic?

I imagine that the stories were really just exaggerated retellings of an incident in which the para involved had gotten ahold of some unpleasantly spicy food.

[illiad]

You gotta wonder, though. Since not all the paras we've seen in the comic actually match the old myths precisely (which didn't match themselves, to be honest), how would one be depicted in the comic?

I imagine that the stories were really just exaggerated retellings of an incident in which the para involved had gotten ahold of some unpleasantly spicy food.

I think you will find that it is a bit like 'eastenders' , 'friends' or 'hollyoaks' ... they are about 'real people' , but with all the boring bits taken out, and more angst, love and violence added to make it more interesting...

I am sure the old myth of the centaur came from some explorer could not properly see or understand a man riding a horse, so thought it was ONE animal...

[Dave]

You gotta wonder, though. Since not all the paras we've seen in the comic actually match the old myths precisely (which didn't match themselves, to be honest), how would one be depicted in the comic?

I imagine that the stories were really just exaggerated retellings of an incident in which the para involved had gotten ahold of some unpleasantly spicy food.

Oh, it's a distorted retelling all right, but it goes every deeper than that. The story is all that's left in popular memory, of a great historic myth-cycle from the ancient days of para history. A careful study of the Library records of ancient para history and traditional tales is enlightening.

Those particular paras were originally forced into a life of solitary wandering... their flatulence was so bad they couldn't even stand to be in each other's company.

They were saved by a young hero who made a dangerous trip into the Underworld, and after many trials and conflicts brought back the sacred Aspergillus from which they then learned to brew Beano. This completely changed their society, and made it possible for them to settle in towns and cities among humans for the first time.

I'll bet you thought that the invention of brewing was all about alcohol, right? Nope... it was about digestive enzymes. The paras learned the trick long before the Beaker People did.

The tales also recount that the gods choose to reward the hero, elevating him upon his death to become a star in the constellation of Taurus, the Bull (where else?). Unfortunately they neglected to consider what might happen if they didn't provide a supply of divine Beano. The light from the resulting explosion was seen on Earth in the year 1054, and the expanding Crab Nebula is a spectacular sight in a good telescope. Hidden in its center is the bright X-Ray source known as the Crab Pulsar, where the hero is spinning in his grave... at about 1800 RPM.