Irony Filing

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Warrl
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Irony Filing

Post by Warrl »

This little story - maybe "vignette" would be a better word - occurs at an unspecified time at least three years after the Battle of Pillsbury. Why the main characters are where they are is also unspecified.
Warrl
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Warrl »

Prologue

"What does the old coot want now?"

Then Billens laughed at himself, amused by the way he thought of a man who was, in fact, millennia younger than himself. He opened the email and read:

Your Excellency: I believe and hope you will find the attached report and recording entertaining. However there is some small chance they will reveal a problem befitting the agency's attention. Yours.

"'Befitting'. Huh. Nobody but you, friend, nobody but you." He clicked on the report and read...
Warrl
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Re: Irony Filing

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The couple pulled up to the Hotel Mazarin, and turned the key to the rental car over to the valet.

"Dear, could we stop in the bar for a bit? The housekeeper says they have a particularly good jazz musician this evening."

"Certainly, if you wish."

Finding all the tables occupied, they went to the bar and ordered their preferred drinks. Then the lady went to, ahem, powder her nose.

"If you don't mind my asking, where are y'all from? I don't quite recognize your accent." The man on the next stool was a decade or so older than the gentleman, and wearing a somewhat-worn suit that had been rather inexpensive when it was new. He was also mildly intoxicated.

"England, originally. But I've resided in Minneapolis for some years. And my lady has lived most of her life there."

"Minneapolis, huh? Didja ever see anything weird?"

"Weird? In what way?"

"Aliens, monsters..."

"As far as I'm aware sir, I've never met any aliens. During my service in Her Majesty's army I did encounter a number of monsters, but they were entirely human."

"Dayum. They got you fooled too."

"Who?"

"The gummint. They covering up all sortsa stuff. Demons, monsters, aliens... they've infiltrated a bunch of tha biggest companies, too."

The gentleman saw his lady returning, and made a surreptitious gesture. She stopped, took out her phone, and poked a few buttons.

"Truly?" The gentleman's phone chirped. "Excuse me a moment." He took out his phone as well, communed with it briefly, and put it in his shirt pocket. "Sorry for the interruption. Continue, please."

"Take a looka' this." The man held out a laminated document, and the gentleman took it for perusal. The document's history was easier to read than the document itself: a page of the Paranormal Times, from several years earlier, had been somewhat abused, including being soaked and dried out at least once, repeatedly folded and unfolded, then torn up; the scraps had been (almost sufficiently) carefully placed and photocopied, and the copy had then suffered some further abuse before being laminated.

The lady arrived and gestured to a now-vacant table. "Shall we move over there? And bring your new friend with you."

The three transferred as suggested.

"Par ormal times?"

"It useta say 'Paranormal Times'. It's been beat up a bit."

"Indeed it has. Someone put some effort into making a newspaper page from their fantastical game world, I might guess. Just out of curiosity, how did you come to possess this?"

"Picked it up in the street after Hurricane Katrina. Musta come outta someone's trash bin - no chance of findin' out whose. I done checked it out. Most ev'ry name an' place given in it is real. An' they's all over the place. Some up in Minneapolis, some in Montana, some 'round here..."

"That proves nothing. I know a chap who writes urban fantasy, and makes a point of using many real names. I have gone into a restaurant he names and ordered out of his story rather than the menu." The gentleman returned the laminated document.

"But how about this?" And the man pulled out another page, in rather better condition, bearing a picture.

The lady took it, and sipped her wine as she studied it. "A centaur. Hmm... sir, any competent photo analyst will tell you that this picture was assembled on a computer. Even I can spot some of the marks."

A waiter tapped on the gentleman's shoulder. "Sir, I was asked to pass you this message."

The gentleman took the note and read: "Yeah, he's a bit crazy, but he's our grandpa, and he's harmless. Please be nice to him." He looked around until he spotted two much-younger men looking at him from another table. He nodded to them and passed the note to his lady. She read it, folded it, and put it in her purse.

The man spoke again. "I dunno - I hear a lot of stuff like this. I can't confirm this yet, but rumor has it that one of the big tractor companies - Alexander Harvester - has been infiltrated an' purty much taken over by centaurs an' stuff."

The gentleman laughed. "Sir, I know a number of senior managers at Alexander Harvester, including two major division heads. I can assure you that the company has not been infiltrated, let alone taken over, by centaurs." Then he turned to his lady. "You look tired, my dear. Shall we retire to our room?"

"I think so. Sir, may I keep this picture? Some friends of mine will find it amusing."

"Certainly, ma'am, go ahead. With the innernet this stuff's easier'n it useta be. Tell yer friends you got it from John Riggs."

"I will." As the gentleman pulled her chair back and she stood, she added "I'm Rosalynd Richer, and this is of course my husband Al."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, folks."

"Likewise". They both shook hands with the older man, then withdrew.

Al passed a pair of twenties to the waiter as they went by, and said "Mr. Riggs gets one drink on us - unless you think he's had too many already."

"No problem, sir, and thank you."
Last edited by Warrl on Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:57 am, edited 3 times in total.
Warrl
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Re: Irony Filing

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"Well, that was certainly interesting."

"Indeed. I'm sorry you were unable to listen to the music, but that conversation needed to end. Here's our lift. How much of what you said of the picture is true?"

"Everything." Alone in the closed and rising elevator, she held it out to him. "It's that shot of Dawn's brother Durango from Thanksgiving a few years ago, but someone did an excellent job of turning the real photo into a fake. There's a straight line where the torsos meet that is just a little too blurry - and it extends into the greenery with some obviously mismatched leaves. Now how about your statement that Alexander Harvester hasn't been taken over by centaurs?"

"You know the company's history better than I. When, exactly, was it taken over?"

They stepped out into the hallway as she thought. "It was founded by - you're right! You were very misleading, though."

"'Twas not in the merest degree accidental, I assure you. And I really should stop the recording." He took out his phone and punched the appropriate buttons to do so.

"You'll be reporting this?" He unlocked the door to their room and held it for her, following her in.

"Of course. I doubt that it's an issue. Considering how freely he approached me, and the note from his grandsons, I'm confident MIB is aware of him. Nonetheless, I cannot be certain save by asking; and to ask, I must give them details. I may as well write the report."

"But you don't have to write it up tonight."

"Certainly not. It can wait until morning."

"Good. Because tonight the centaur wants to ride the human. Bareback."

He smiled. "And bare several other parts as well, I presume."
Warrl
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Warrl »

Epilogue

The laughter coming from Billens' office was a good sign - not that his staff would have any less work, but at least the boss would be easy to deal with. One of the braver agents stuck his head in and said "Hey, what's so funny?"

"Oh, hi, Mike. Here, I'll send you what looks like an easy one. Just check the report and verify that we already knew about the actual information. And then post it to that underground humor list we managers supposedly don't know about."

Recognizing the indirect answer, Mike went back to his desk and opened the message. Soon he, too, burst out laughing.

"So tell us already!" someone said.

"Someone tried to convince Allan Richer - you've all seen how he writes his reports - that the government is hiding something" - he was interrupted by laughter from all corners of the room.

After the noise died down, he continued "- and tell Rosalynd Alexander that Alexander Harvester is run by centaurs! Listen to this bit -"

It was several minutes before any of them were able to resume their work.
Last edited by Warrl on Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Just Old Al
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Just Old Al »

"Old coot, indeed...."
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."
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Dave
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Dave »

Just Old Al wrote:"Old coot, indeed...."
Kylän äijä, kumma käppänä

From Värttinä's Finnish song "Äijö"
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TazManiac
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by TazManiac »

(argh... if you guys keep producing new stuff, I'll never catch up...) :)
Warrl
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Warrl »

Well, this one's done, so you don't need to worry about keeping up with it.
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Just Old Al
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Just Old Al »

Dave wrote:
Just Old Al wrote:"Old coot, indeed...."
Kylän äijä, kumma käppänä

From Värttinä's Finnish song "Äijö"
I watched about a minute of the video...it gave me the creeps. {shudder}.

Where in Hades do you find this stuff? :)
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."
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Just Old Al
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Just Old Al »

TazManiac wrote:(argh... if you guys keep producing new stuff, I'll never catch up...) :)
And this is a problem? Hell, we're waiting for you to dive back in when you can.
"The Empire was founded on cups of tea, mate, and if you think I am going to war without one you are sadly mistaken."
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Dave
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by Dave »

Just Old Al wrote:I watched about a minute of the video...it gave me the creeps. {shudder}.
I think that was probably their intention. Very dark magic, music-style...
Where in Hades do you find this stuff? :)
Ran into that one on a program called "World Music", on the LinkedIn satellite channel. Music videos from all around the world... some very diverse and interesting stuff.

Another I learned of there is a Finnish–Norwegian folk band called Frigg. Some of the tastiest stringed-instrument ensemble playing I've ever heard.
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Re: Irony Filing

Post by FreeFlier »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

/thud/
Wolf-who-watches wrote: :roll: He has fallen off his sit-thing . . . again . . . :roll:

)()()()()()()()()( )()()()()()()()()( )()()()()()()()()( )()()()()()()()()( <==tailwags
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