It happened at Mucho Mocha

[Sgt. Howard]

Tina Guzman opened her Coffeteria at the regular time, received delivery from Becky of the pastries that put the extra sparkle to the shelves and started seeing the regulars filter in- some she knew better that to even speak to before the caffination brought cranial function online, others were full chatter before they even walked through the door.
In short, a normal day- no surprises... or so she thought...

Stan Weiderman, on the other hand, was having a difficult start of his day- his 1967 Tiger Moth was being a bit of a problem, having had another malfunction that likely had to do with the electrical... not that this particular auto was a continual source of irritation as much as lately when smoke would announce a new heartache. Slipping into neutral and killing the engine he coasted into a parking spot, getting out and pushing the car backwards to make the final alignment. Popping the bonnet, he found the culprit... a smoking generator.

Third one this month.

He knew what would be involved- a minor amount of wrenching, a major investment in LUCAS ELECTRICAL crap, and further fiddling with the voltage regulator while trying to translate the odd technical idiosyncrasies of British into American English.

As much fun as shaving your head with a cheese grater while chewing on tinfoil.

Looking around to get his bearings, he saw no parts store... not that any parts store would have such a thing in stock, it would have to be ordered. As luck would have it, he was parked right in front of a coffee house.
Fine- he could sample the wares while thinking out a new approach to this issue.

Greg Howard had stopped earlier at Mucho Mocha and had finished his Americano with molasses when the gangly fellow stepped in, looking totally disgruntled. He noted that the stranger was a bit over half his age, wiry of build and intense of expression... but that could have been frustration, one never knows. Tina appraised him with high eyebrows-
"Mocha/Java... and may I recommend a twist of peppermint to settle your stomach?"

Stan stopped dead in his tracks, his whole train of thought completely derailed.

[TazManiac]

heh.

heh, heh, heh...

[GlytchMeister]

And now, my students, observe: the seed we saw planted earlier has begun to germinate!

[Dave]

Lucas??

Gee, Greg, we've already got a fanfic story line in progress whch has the characters wandering around down in the depths of the dark underworld, dealing with subjects such as absolute evil, abject despair, the damnation of large groups of innocent civilians, and nasty dark crud that leaves stains on your clothing.

And then you had to go and bring up Lucas vehicle-electrical systems... which makes all of the above topics seem like a walk in the park on a gentle spring day.

[Sgt. Howard]

"The was a cute MG as pretty as can be
with performance as solid as mucous
for when it was good, it was very very good
and when it was BAD it was LUCAS!!!"

Q; how many positions on a lucas light switch?
A; 3- 'off', 'flicker' and 'dim'

Q;How do you make a lucas componant fail?
A; turn it on

Q; what causes lucas componants to fail?
A; usage causes the smoke to leak out

Q; why do British drink their beer warm?
A;who do you think makes their refridgerators?

LUCAS...the prince of darkness...

[Sgt. Howard]

As the door shut behind the thin man, Greg noticed a smell that resonated in his memory... fried automotive electrical componants. He looked out the window and saw the pretty little limey ragtop in dark British racing green... he also noticed the bonnet was not completly latched down.
"What did you fry?" he asked the newcomer.

Stan felt surrounded. He debated walking backwards out of the place when a portly fellow with dark hair shot with white at the temples came up behind him-
"That your Sunbeam?" he asked, "Smells like an electronic experiment gone bad. That fellow over there, " he pointed at Greg, "knows a few things about those 'British Mistresses', you might want to consult with him... meanwhile, I think Tina's got something for you over there..." he pointed now at the barrista as she placed a tall coffee on the counter.
Stan looked around at everyone in the place- a dark-haired barrista with silver eyes and teeth that could open a beer can and two older gentlemen that clearly knew each other- one looked somewhat like Stan Laurel while the other one only needed a toothbrush mustash to be Oliver Hardy.

"OK... I am pretty close to 'officially freaked out' here... " Stan muttered as he scanned the room, "...how do you all know so much about me?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson," Greg offered in his best Oxfordian English, "Simple observation of one's surroundings. I noticed somebody pushing a car into that spot with my periphrial vision... I noticed the bonnet went up... didn't pay much attention until I smelt ozone and melted plastic when you came in. Tina proffered your favorite flavor of coffee with peppermint because she saw you dispirited- Beej, the gent behind you..."
"You will NOT call me a 'Gentleman' in public, you will besmirtch my reputation!" Blurted out 'Beej' in a southern drawl.
"Very well, the lunatic behind you verified something electrical with a nose that can always find food... as you can well see... the offending vehicle is Brittish, and I assume the offending device is of Lucas manufacture, am I correct?"
"But... but how did ... Tina, right?... how did Tina know what coffee I want?"
Beej immediatly slipped into his Peter Lorrie impersonation, "She ... heh heh... she practices black magic... aheh... and she's ... ALWAYS... looking for someone to ... ahehe... to ... EXPERIMENT OOOF!" a wet wash cloth splatted across Beej's face.
"Don't listen to these two numbskulls-" Tina interjected while drying her hands, " they are both bored and looking for someone to torment. Here, have your coffee,"

[GlytchMeister]

Lucas??

Gee, Greg, we've already got a fanfic story line in progress whch has the characters wandering around down in the depths of the dark underworld, dealing with subjects such as absolute evil, abject despair, the damnation of large groups of innocent civilians, and nasty dark crud that leaves stains on your clothing.

...well, I'm glad it's made that sort of impression. And yeah, the fur sweat smoke muck is really nasty stuff.

But consistently crappy auto parts? I can't even come close to that...

[Sgt. Howard]

Stan paid for his coffee- done to perfection... and she was right, the peppermint DID settle his upset stomach.

But that didn't fix his car.

"Seriously son- what did you fry?" Greg asked again.
"Generator- third time this month," Stan replied.
Greg looked at the car while Beej sat at the same table- Greg turned to Beej- "You said 'Sunbeam'? Izzat the 'Tiger' or the 'Gypsy'?
"Tiger- '67 is my guess,"
"That would be a 289 Ford- is that what you're running?"
Stan was impressed- these two actually KNEW something about his car.
"Actually, it's a 302 Ford,"
Greg waved a hand- "Same engine, just punched to the max. Get a BOSCH Generator with voltage reg on board for that engine- you can find the mounting hardware on any bone-yard 289 or 302- BOSCH built their generators to conform with FoMoCo parts. When you do the hook-up, just DC the existing regulator and leave it hanging there- bypass the stupid thing and HANG ONTO YOUR ORIGIONAL MOUNTING HARDWARE! THAT way, should you sell the thing, you're still 100% origional parts. Oh... you might want to invest in a fuse strip and re-wire your harness under the dash- that car is running on what? Two fuses? Totally absurd..."

[Sgt. Howard]

Lucas??

Gee, Greg, we've already got a fanfic story line in progress whch has the characters wandering around down in the depths of the dark underworld, dealing with subjects such as absolute evil, abject despair, the damnation of large groups of innocent civilians, and nasty dark crud that leaves stains on your clothing.

...well, I'm glad it's made that sort of impression. And yeah, the fur sweat smoke muck is really nasty stuff.

But consistently crappy auto parts? I can't even come close to that...

Especially when we KNOW what you write is FICTION, whereas LUCAS ELECTRICAL is a WELL DOCUMENTED TERROR...

[AmriloJim]

Especially when we KNOW what you write is FICTION, whereas LUCAS ELECTRICAL is a WELL DOCUMENTED TERROR...

Follows that Jharris could retcon "Skinwalker" to change Lucifer's nom de terre to Lucas Forbes.

[Sgt. Howard]

Stan contemplated their advice, then turned to Tina.
"What about THAT? Do they know this stuff for real or am I being led down a path?"
Tina put an elbow on the counter and leaned forward- "THAT fellow, " she indicated Greg, "used to restore English whores professionally- the other fellow, " she indicated Beej, " is Brian James Storey, the dirt track driver from the West Coast. These two have known each other since the seventies. Greg is the guy that wrote 'Round-de-round' among other songs... anything they try to tell you about ME is likely bullshit,"
"...'English whores'?..."
Tina gave a wicked smile- she held up three fingers and counted them off as she spoke.
"All you can do is; Screw around with it, Spend money on it and the BITCH is never faithful,"
Stan was totally shocked.
"That machine is a CLASSIC!" he defended.
"Then put it in a frame and hang it on a wall!" she laughed... as did Greg and Beej...
"THAT CAR IS RARE!"
"Yes," Greg countered with a chuckle, "low survival ratio has a lot to do with that,"
"Mostly," Beej laughed out loud, " mostly because of (snerk) owners having them CRUSHED!!!"
Stan grabbed his coffee and stormed out of the shop.

[TazManiac]

Thats funny, I was going to recommend he 'upgrade' the Electricals...

Q., Are there any mountainous, (or at least hilly) & twisty roads in and around WapsiSquare territory?

Flat out roaring down the road has it's attractions as well but it's the Lefts and Rights that make it truly worth doing...

(Maybe a river road would have enough attractive topography...)

[Sgt. Howard]

Thats funny, I was going to recommend he 'upgrade' the Electricals...

Q., Are there any mountainous, (or at least hilly) & twisty roads in and around WapsiSquare territory?

Flat out roaring down the road has it's attractions as well but it's the Lefts and Rights that make it truly worth doing...

(Maybe a river road would have enough attractive topography...)

My scan of the map indicates fairly flat territory therein- but there be many rivers hither and yon that a fun drive with a bonny lass would be enjoyable-
BTW- if you've reasonable skills with a wrench- the Chevy 'chevette' series is actually a bit of a 'sleeper'. The engine is an Offenhauser loaded down with smog crap- and such cars are old enough to be 'under the radar' regarding smog. Use the two throat Weber side-draughts for carburation and have somebody knock out a tuned exhaust manifold- ditch the cat converter, run a cherry bomb. Steering is rack & pinion, center of gravity is low.
Get one with a decent body and a 4 speed manual, do the rebuild of the engine with the modifications mentioned. GET RID OF THE SMOG CRAP. Reconfigure the belts to lose the smog pump. Plug the offending holes. You will have to tinker with the timing, as this will alter it somewhat.

It will look like an old piece of dog meat- it will run like a stripe-assed ape

[jwhouk]

Thats funny, I was going to recommend he 'upgrade' the Electricals...

Q., Are there any mountainous, (or at least hilly) & twisty roads in and around WapsiSquare territory?

Flat out roaring down the road has it's attractions as well but it's the Lefts and Rights that make it truly worth doing...

(Maybe a river road would have enough attractive topography...)

You'd have to cross the St. Croix into Hudson for a particularly twisty drive on the Great River Road (Highway 35 north of the city) but from the sound of it, you'd be lucky to get to the other side of the Mississippi into Saint Paul with that thing.

I'm not even a car techie and even I know about bad wiring and British cars...

[Sgt. Howard]

Thats funny, I was going to recommend he 'upgrade' the Electricals...

Q., Are there any mountainous, (or at least hilly) & twisty roads in and around WapsiSquare territory?

Flat out roaring down the road has it's attractions as well but it's the Lefts and Rights that make it truly worth doing...

(Maybe a river road would have enough attractive topography...)

You'd have to cross the St. Croix into Hudson for a particularly twisty drive on the Great River Road (Highway 35 north of the city) but from the sound of it, you'd be lucky to get to the other side of the Mississippi into Saint Paul with that thing.

I'm not even a car techie and even I know about bad wiring and British cars...

Actually, once you replace certain key components with either German or American counterparts and line up a few more fuses in the system, the electrical works fine. Combine that with the Ford small-block V-8 mentioned and you have a fairly reliable machine.

[jwhouk]

And it would be cheaper to just go out and buy a Cobra homebuilt kit - but that's just me.

(Looks at watch) Oops, sorry, gotta get back home, work tonight. Greg, don't forget that Paul needs you for that wedding in a few months.

[Sgt. Howard]

And it would be cheaper to just go out and buy a Cobra homebuilt kit - but that's just me.

(Looks at watch) Oops, sorry, gotta get back home, work tonight. Greg, don't forget that Paul needs you for that wedding in a few months.

Brand new set of strings being broken in on the Yamaha 231-G and just got the new Dean Markley pick-up for the Banjo- Shelly and Justin have made a few special requests, seeing as this will be a 'Mundane' wedding on the surface ('Shelly Bean's' Daddy being there and all)... Nicodemus is having the devil's own learning human transfiguration, but he will get over it I am sure.
Owen and Lakshimi will attend- as will many who have been absent for a while.

Ought to be fun...

[Just Old Al]

Actually, once you replace certain key components with either German or American counterparts and line up a few more fuses in the system, the electrical works fine. Combine that with the Ford small-block V-8 mentioned and you have a fairly reliable machine.

Or learn to work the Dark Magic...

Been working with, on and driving Land-Rovers and other British iron for over a quarter-century now - and I don't mean the yuppiemobiles. Current stable is a Series I, a Series IIA and a Defender 110 - all of which own their original Lucas components in the main.

The joy of Lucas is that in the main it is disgustingly simple. With a few changes to deal with the realities of systems that are often in 40-50 year old cars it becomes quite docile. One thing is adding ground wires - a notorious problem for the taillights and such which often tried to ground through (rusty MG or corroded aluminium LR) body panels - with predictable results.

The smoking generator for example - lilkely a control box cut-out relay fused shut. Leave the sorry thing sitting there shorted across the battery and life gets...[maniacal laughter] entertaining {/maniacal laughter}

I was sorely tempted to pop in-scene and talk to the poor guy, but I never horn in on someone else's ficton. Would'a been fun, though, to pop in, fix it, and have a coffee. Wonder what prescription TIna would have suggested?

"WIll fix cars for coffee" -Al

[TazManiac]

I'm partial to early VW watercooled platforms primarily 1974 and on.
(I love the air-cooled also, just not as passionately...)

But I also have a soft spot for Italian motors; Alfa Romeo specifically. Fiats can be fun, with lowered expectations.

I should mention I was born into a family that had Moms in a Peugeot most of my childhood and Pops campaigning a DS Citroen Wagon, what with it's space-age styling and shared Hydraulic Brakes/Suspension systems.

Its no wonder most all my hand tools are Metric...

As an aside; "He sipped the resulting concoction a bit hesitantly at first; Chocolate wasn't to be sullied with strange additives like mint, despite what they told you- but he found the quality of the ingredients seemed to make al the difference, medicinal in fact, and thought to himself "huh, she knows stuff..."

(Sorry, that last bit was me getting goofy. I'm currently posting from a Starbucks...

[Sgt. Howard]

I'm currently gathering the stuff to build a Rambler... circa 1903. Al has been PM'ing me and we're concocting your situation - might get a bit slow, but you'll love it.